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God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

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All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.

 

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Taking Care of Me

6/3/16
It feels good to take care of myself.  I recently started swimming with my kids and it’s been amazing… except for the part about feeling like a bag lady with all of the gear, and forgetting our things everywhere…. even in the pool.  Over the past week, we’ve lost my son’s swim goggles, left his rash guard behind in the pool for a few hours, and even left the gym with all of our floaty gear still in the locker (unlocked).  Oh yeah, we drove back for it later that evening and it was still there!  Yay!😃   It felt really good to go back and find our things still there.  Not only because they were expensive, but because I put them in the locker and and left it unlocked while the locker room was jam packed with people.  I even noticed someone watching me do it, and I thought, “Should I be worried?” and then thought, “Oh well, I guess I’ll find out.”  I left it in God’s hands.  There’s something really special to me about putting myself out there, leaving the lock off, and trusting the people around me to be good, and having them come through.  Thinking about locks makes me think of a time, or a place where people leave their doors unlocked and feel safe and secure in their homes.  Maybe their strong feelings of safety attract safety and security into their lives.  I dream of living in a world like that🌅.  At the gym, I did have a lock, and I did use it on another locker housing my purse.  The problem was I only had one lock and two lockers full of stuff.  I suppose this was an exercise in trust especially designed for me.  I kind of didn’t have a choice in the matter, so I guess my trust muscles must be pretty small at the moment😜.  Today, I also took more chances to open myself up to people.  I smiled more, said “Hi”, and even started conversations with strangers.  The overwhelming majority of the responses I received from others were positive.   When I left the gym today, I felt tired (but good tired), I felt confident, and I felt like I belonged.  What a wonderful feeling.