acceptance, Clarity, dealing with emotions, deflation of ego, divorce, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, therapy, transformation



I’m learning to sit with my feelings, observe them, and then just let them be.  I don’t mean just sitting around and feeling.  I mean being aware of what I’m feeling inside as I go through my daily tasks, as I interact with others, and in times when I’m alone.  I’ve been told that this is the only way I will be able to see the truth about my marriage and my true feelings towards my husband.
I’m not used to doing this at all, and it’s really uncomfortable.  I’m usually operating on the surface level by reacting to my situations with anger, fear, or more anger.  Recently, I’ve been learning to be more responsive than reactive.  As I take the responsibility to respond to my own needs, and at the same time try to offer compassion to others, I’m less ruled by anger and fear.
What’s left behind are the lower level feelings.  I’m often finding that I’m feeling happy, sad, content, discontent, engaged, bored, etc.
As I observe my feelings, if they are good feelings, I try to focus in more on what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with.  I try to get more engaged and fully embrace that moment.
When I’m feeling discontent, bored, or lonely… if I’m in a healthy place, I try to observe the feeling and just let it be.  If I’m having a hard time doing that, I try to turn to self-care.  I do this because this is usually the point when I’m drawn to try to fix the feeling in some way.  Sometimes, I fix my feelings in healthy ways and sometimes unhealthy ways.  I don’t think it’s bad or wrong to turn to healthy options to make oneself feel better, this is just something new that I’m practicing to allow myself to actually sit with and feel my uncomfortable emotions.
The hardest part is when I’m feeling sadness.  It’s definitely the most uncomfortable to sit with, and seem to last the longest.
I’ve really only been doing this for about a week, but something amazing is happening. I’m starting to get more clarity.  I’m starting to understand how I feel around certain people and when I’m doing certain things.  I don’t have all my answers yet, but the fog, the confusion and the craziness seems to be melting away.  It’s humbling to see what I’m left with, but it’s also freeing.
positive thinking, therapy

Damaged Goods 12/14/16


“Self condemnation is not healthy thinking”
That’s what I’m told
“We need to process your feelings about…
that doesn’t define you.”
“You need to think about how his behavior affects you,”
ripping the band aid of denial off my eyes.
“It’s about self care, protecting yourself.”
Without my distractions
Without my denial
Without my resentment
Without my blame
I’m left stripped
Eyes wide open
With only the ugly truth, or is it the lie?
My perspective
My feelings
I can mold, shape, modify them
My feelings are just feelings
But what about my reality?
Can fixing my feelings, fix that?
acceptance, blog, blogger, blogging, choices, Clarity, codependency, connection, dealing with emotions, divorce, emotional affair, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, faith, First things first, God, healing, higher power, honesty, insecure attachment, know thyself, let go and let God, letting go, loneliness, loss, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memories, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, spiritual journey, sponsor, sponsorship, surrender, therapy, Thy will be done, transformation, trapped, trusting God, Universe, writing

All In 100%


My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.


compassion, Confidence, higher power, meditation, obsessive thoughts, Sia, therapy, Unstoppable

A Good Day

I noticed recently, that instead of watching TV I wanted to write. How weird!!  I’m a TV junkie, born and bred since childhood.  I definitely know the feeling of a “show hole,” and I’ve woken up many mornings kicking myself for staying up too late watching TV after the kids have gone to sleep.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely waiting for the next episodes of The Path, Empire, Blackish, and American Crime to come out on Hulu; but, I’m really enjoying writing in this particular medium.  

I think my husband likes it too, because he doesn’t have to listen to me late into the night quite as much.  I think that writing and sharing my experiences with an audience (even a pseudo one) is helping me to process my feelings about situations that, a lot of times, are even too overwhelming for me to think about.  

So, what makes the day a “good day”?  For me, it’s confidence and love.  How much love I’m willing and able to give and receive?  On bad days, I find myself trapped in my negative and obsessive thoughts.  I compare myself to others, and somehow always come up lacking.  I personalize others’ actions or inactions regarding situations that have absolutely nothing to do with me.  Things like: who the stranger passing me on the street has chosen to marry — what was the woman’s race? — if she wasn’t black or mixed-with-black, might that mean that I’m undesirable? — If she’s Asian and he’s white, are they racist against people like me? — is there a new anti-black coalition starting here??? (Sigh……) Yes, it’s pretty comical and sad once I give my obsessive fears a voice.  But, I have to give them a voice, because they are there, and they’re real inside of me.  Trying to push the thoughts away, pretend they don’t exist, or tell myself how wrong and unhealthy they are, only perpetuates my isolation and shame.  

I’m learning, with the help of my therapist, to acknowledge my negative and obsessive thoughts, to admit them to myself, listen to them instead of silencing them.  She has taught me that through meditation,  I can breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4.  As thoughts and feelings come, I can name what I’m feeling.  I can offer compassion to myself for those thoughts and feelings (not judgement).  I can bow to those feelings (“I bow to you shame”) because they are truly more powerful than me and I can’t control them.  Then I can release it to my God, and return to my breathing – breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4,  and out 1, 2, 3, 4.  

This practice is helping me to have more compassion and love for myself, and in turn, I am able to have more compassion and love for others.  Over time, I’m finding myself having more good days, feeling more light, more free, and more confident.