It’s funny how the guy at my pharmacy suddenly became super nice, ever since I got my new prescription filled…. the one that costs eight cents. He’s always been polite, but a bit checked out, the many times I’ve come to fill other prescriptions for my kids or myself. But, ever since this new prescription came through, he makes eye contact, smiles and is very friendly. I don’t know if it’s because he feels sorry for me, he’s scared of me, or he can relate. Whatever the case, I must admit I do appreciate his new level of warmth, because the whole experience is humiliating from beginning to end.
First, requesting my prescription and knowing that he knows what it is and why I need it. Then, pulling out my debit card to pay for it and remembering that it only costs eight cents. I guess they want to make sure that someone who needs this medicine would never not get it because of money. I should be grateful, right? And I am. I’m grateful to be known, even if it’s just by the pharmacy guy, and to still be liked, or at least treated like I matter. I’m grateful that I only have to pay eight cents, and I’m grateful that the medication is helping. I’m sleeping better, I’m waking up feeling rested, I feel more able to handle the daily tasks of life, and my paranoid and obsessive thinking is fading away and losing its hold. I am choosing to stay in reality, and I am seeing the good things in my reality every day.
My thoughts keep drifting back to this pharmacist, and why his kindness impacts me so much. I guess it has to do with my deep desire to live an authentic life. To be truly known, loved and accepted. I’m realizing that I don’t live authentically in my marriage. I’m afraid to tell my husband the full truth of my feelings because I’m afraid of the consequences. I’m afraid of losing the good things that I have, and that we have built together.
In some strange way, I feel like I got the experience of being authentically known when I was sharing my heart publicly on my blog and connecting it with my reality through Instagram. I knew that the duality of my life, the irony and the conflicting messages were on display. Yet, people stayed with me, and for some reason that made me feel loved and accepted. I felt known. I really miss that. My psychiatrist told me, no more Instagram for now. He says that the stimulation keeps me in a heightened state. I learned the hard way that staying in that heightened state for too long can shift my thinking. Maybe because I was not sleeping and was hardly eating… I guess it would be hard for anyone to think clearly under those circumstances.
But, I haven’t lost my desire to find a way to go back, to connect with my authentic self, to connect with others, to find my tribe. I just have to figure out how to do it in a way that’s healthy for me.
But back to my pharmacist… I know why his behavior impacts me. Most of my friends have no idea that I’m being evaluated and possibly diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder, and that I’ve been prescribed medicine for it. The few who do know have been supportive, as would be expected. But, I definitely don’t feel a sense of them moving closer to me because of it. If anything, I feel an increased sense of distrust from them. This probably has a lot more to do with my own insecurities than their true feelings. But for some reason, this pharmacist seemed to like me more because of it. It was unexpected and touching.