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God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

social media, Tribe

Reality 12/2/16

12/2/16
I’ve been told by more than one person that the relationships I made online on Instagram we’re not real.  I’ve been told that I need to focus on cultivating my relationships with people, flesh and blood people, in my real world.  Although I agree that I do need to work on letting people in to my life in my face-to-face world, I don’t believe that the relationships in the virtual world are meaningless or fake.  We all wear masks everywhere we go. The people who stand next to me at dismissal outside my sons school gate don’t really know me.  They see me, they know about me, we might even make small talk, but they don’t know me.  Even the people that know the deepest darkest things about me like my therapists and my husband don’t know everything, in fact I’m still learning so much about myself.
In the virtual world we put on masks we protect ourselves, but we also express ourselves those parts of ourselves that maybe were afraid to share in our real world or maybe we just can’t share with the people around us.  In the virtual world we can connect with people, real people that we never would have met or encountered, or even been willing to acknowledge had we seen them face-to-face.
I’m grateful for the gifts that my brief experience in the virtual world gave me.  When I started using Instagram I was deeply entrenched in my church culture, which pretty much took up all of my time and consumed my life.  I had also chosen to shut out negative outside influences because they were upsetting and frustrating to me.  I had stopped watching the news and stopped listening to NPR and literally just lived in my bubble that consisted of my family, my friends and whatever other people I needed to associate with as part of day-to-day living.  I was clueless about what was happening around me in the world because I didn’t want to know.  I felt so powerless to do anything about it that I figured ignorance is bliss.
Through Instagram I came face-to-face with the reality of so much hurt and the pain happening in the world around me. This was the pain that I could feel intuitively on an emotional level even though I didn’t know the facts I knew things were very very broken.

My brief experiences on social media taught me so much about myself.   I learned that I needed to get help with my mental health.  I learned that I needed to make changes in my marriage immediately or I was going to lose it or throw it away.  I learned that there were other people out there who thought like me and felt like me, at least on some level. We may not have agreed on everything, we may not even have agreed on most things, but those small connections made me feel less alone.  I also learned that there were many people in my real face-to-face world that were open and willing to make connections with me if I would only open myself up to them.

But, given the challenges that I’ve had with social media, the logical choice seems to be for me to avoid Instagram, public blogging and the social media world all together, but my heart tells me something else.

So, I’m moving forward, listening to my heart and the guidance of my support network which includes my psychologist, my psychiatrist, my trusted mentors and my husband.

 

12 step, Addiction, blog, blogger, blogging, dealing with emotions, delusion, denial, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, grief, hiding, honesty, isolation, know thyself, loneliness, memoirs, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, poem, poetry, reality, recovery, sadness, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, social media, trapped, trauma, Vulnerability is not weakness

Fantasy

10/26/16
Trapped

Alone
Isolated
Hopeless
This is when I turn to you
Fantasy
You give me
Comfort
Pleasure
Significance
Connection
Confidence
How can this be?
Fantasy
You are only an illusion
All In my head
Moving my heart
Disconnecting me from my present
Blocking me from my responsibilities
Numbing me not only to my pain,
But to those I love
Fantasy
Bi polar type 2, humor, Instagram, living authentically, mental illness, social media, social stigma

8 Cents

IMG_9147

10/16/16
It’s funny how the guy at my pharmacy suddenly became super nice, ever since I got my new prescription filled…. the one that costs eight cents.  He’s always been polite, but a bit checked out, the many times I’ve come to fill other prescriptions for my kids or myself.  But, ever since this new prescription came through, he makes eye contact, smiles and is very friendly.  I don’t know if it’s because he feels sorry for me, he’s scared of me, or he can relate.  Whatever the case, I must admit I do appreciate his new level of warmth, because the whole experience is humiliating from beginning to end.

First, requesting my prescription and knowing that he knows what it is and why I need it.  Then, pulling out my debit card to pay for it and remembering that it only costs eight cents.  I guess they want to make sure that someone who needs this medicine would never not get it because of money.  I should be grateful, right?  And I am.  I’m grateful to be known, even if it’s just by the pharmacy guy, and to still be liked, or at least treated like I matter.  I’m grateful that I only have to pay eight cents, and I’m grateful that the medication is helping.  I’m sleeping better, I’m waking up feeling rested, I feel more able to handle the daily tasks of life, and my paranoid and obsessive thinking is fading away and losing its hold.  I am choosing to stay in reality, and I am seeing the good things in my reality every day.

My thoughts keep drifting back to this pharmacist, and why his kindness impacts me so much.  I guess it has to do with my deep desire to live an authentic life.  To be truly known, loved and accepted.  I’m realizing that I don’t live authentically in my marriage.  I’m afraid to tell my husband the full truth of my feelings because I’m afraid of the consequences.  I’m afraid of losing the good things that I have, and that we have built together.

In some strange way, I feel like I got the experience of being authentically known when I was sharing my heart publicly on my blog and connecting it with my reality through Instagram.  I knew that the duality of my life, the irony and the conflicting messages were on display.  Yet, people stayed with me, and for some reason that made me feel loved and accepted.  I felt known.  I really miss that.  My psychiatrist told me, no more Instagram for now.  He says that the stimulation keeps me in a heightened state.  I learned the hard way that staying in that heightened state for too long can shift my thinking.  Maybe because I was not sleeping and was hardly eating… I guess it would be hard for anyone to think clearly under those circumstances.
But, I haven’t lost my desire to find a way to go back, to connect with my authentic self, to connect with others, to find my tribe.  I just have to figure out how to do it in a way that’s healthy for me.
But back to my pharmacist… I know why his behavior impacts me.  Most of my friends have no idea that I’m being evaluated and possibly diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder, and that I’ve been prescribed medicine for it.  The few who do know have been supportive, as would be expected.  But, I definitely don’t feel a sense of them moving closer to me because of it.  If anything, I feel an increased sense of distrust from them.  This probably has a lot more to do with my own insecurities than their true feelings.  But for some reason, this pharmacist seemed to like me more because of it.  It was unexpected and touching.