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Secrets

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3/4/17

Why do we hide
What’s truly inside
Pretending that we’re all the same?
But what we don’t know
Until we let it go
Is we are all truly the same.

 

 

 

acceptance, activism, African American women, Anger, black lives matter, Change the world, Clarity, Community, compassion, Consciousness, culture clash, deflation of ego, ego, end war, energy, eracism, Fear, Frans Stiene, highly sensitive person, human kindness, humanity, inner peace, judging others, judgment, know thyself, law of attraction, live and let live, meditation, memoirs, Mindful parenting, one human family, one human race, one humanity, positive thinking, racial bias, racism, Reiki, Self acceptance, self awareness, Self care, self hate, Self-love, shame, spiritual awakening, spiritual journey, The Inner Heart of Reiki, transformation, unity, Utopia society, woke, world peace

Wabi Sabi: The Beauty of Imperfection

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On my journey of self-acceptance, I’m trying to embrace the concept that we are all the same. I am no better and no worse than anyone else. I am human, perfectly imperfect. This concept usually comes up for me when I start getting super hard on myself for my mistakes.

I’ve mentioned before that I have issues with timeliness. I mean, this dates back to grade school for me, and I really have to plan things out and focus, to make it on time to just about anything. It’s so bad, that my kids don’t know what to do with themselves when we actually get somewhere early and have to wait. We’re usually rushing in at the last minute and barely making it on time, or just late. Like most people, running late gets me really anxious and worried.

I’ve started incorporating some of the Reiki precepts I’m learning into my morning meditation time. The prayer that I’ve learned from Reiki goes like this, “Just for today, do not anger, do not worry, be thankful, do what you are meant to do, be kind to others.”

I recently had the special privilege of asking a prominent Reiki teacher about these precepts and the focus on anger and worry embedded in the prayer. I have been learning about the law of attraction and the power of my words and thoughts to manifest what I speak and think. I questioned the use of “anger” and “worry” in relation to this concept of attraction. I had even gone as far as to create my own “positive” version of the Reiki prayer. 😂smh. I guess this tells you what kind of student I am. Anyway, I’m really glad I was able to ask this teacher my question because his answer gave me a whole new understanding. He explained that unlike affirmations, the Reiki precepts were more like guiding rules for life. For example the precept, do not anger can be a reminder for me when I feel anger coming up to question that anger. Where is it coming from? Why is it there? Does the anger serve me? And then to be able to let the anger go. This is different from an affirmation which may help me in the moment to turn away from the anger, but may not allow me the space to examine and release the source of the anger. I was able to apply his explanation the very next day.

After spending my morning meditation focusing on mindful breathing, Reiki precepts and grounding, I got my kids ready for school. Needless to say, the time management just wasn’t there this particular morning and we were running late. The problem for me is not getting up on time, because I’m actually up very early, it’s more of a focus and time management issue. I’ve been really good recently with getting my son to school on time using positive affirmations. I literally say “We are going to be on time to Ms.__’s class today,” about 50 times from the time they wake up until I drop him off at school. And it’s been working. We’ve been on time every day for quite a while now. But this particular morning we left extra late. I still used my affirmations and it worked! There were almost no cars on the road and I pretty much drove like a maniac the whole way there.

But, on the way home as I thought about the collateral damage of our morning commute, in flooded the feelings of self-condemnation. Thinking about the Reiki precepts helped me work through the guilt I was feeling. I felt guilty because I spent the entire 25 minute (normally 35 minute) drive to school filled with worry and anger. When my kids tried to talk to me, I told them I couldn’t talk to them because I needed to focus on the road and get there on time. I also drove pretty crazy, which I know scares my kids. I even honked at a lady for fluffing her hair in the mirror instead of driving. My kids, like me are both highly sensitive, so I’m sure that they were very affected by the worry and anger energy I was emoting. My son even asked me, “Who do you love the most God, other people, or yourself?” I told him, “I don’t know, I can’t answer that right now, I have to focus on the road.” Theses were the guilty feelings I drove home with, wondering how my children were handling their school experience after all that negative energy. Wondering if my son would ever ask me that question again and care about my answer.

It was during this time that I started thinking about how I had prayed earlier “do not anger and do not worry”. I started to ask myself why I was worried. I was able to acknowledge that the worry did not serve me at all. I could have made it to school on time without any worry or anger and I could have given my children a different start to their day (and the lady I honked at). And myself…. that worry and anger hurt me most of all.

As I examined the source of the worry, I realized it had nothing to do with my son and his needs. The truth is that I was worried about being judged as a parent by people at the school and I was worried that their negative opinion of me would lead to negative actions against me. I was giving these people more power over my life than my Higher Power.

At the end of it all, I was left with my feelings of guilt and shame. This is where compassion for myself has to come into the picture. It’s easier for me to offer myself compassion when I can remember the Japanese concept of wabi sabi, the beauty of imperfection. It reminds me that being an imperfect human is what makes me perfect. My imperfections accentuate my humanness and the acceptance of my own humanness allows me to love and honor the humanness in others.

I am no better or worse than anyone else, and the same can be said for us all. We are all perfectly imperfect in our own way.

This gives me hope for humanity. Just as I can reach across the aisle and change my mind about someone or love someone who seems to be an enemy, so can everyone else.

If we can see and accept our own imperfections, there is hope that we can have compassion for the imperfections of others.

We can stop seeing each other through the eyes of judgement and allow ourselves to be surprised by beauty that exists in every living being. I know this begins with me.

I want to be surprised.

positive thinking, therapy

Damaged Goods 12/14/16

12/14/16

“Self condemnation is not healthy thinking”
That’s what I’m told
“We need to process your feelings about…
that doesn’t define you.”
“You need to think about how his behavior affects you,”
ripping the band aid of denial off my eyes.
“It’s about self care, protecting yourself.”
Without my distractions
Without my denial
Without my resentment
Without my blame
I’m left stripped
Eyes wide open
With only the ugly truth, or is it the lie?
My perspective
My feelings
I can mold, shape, modify them
My feelings are just feelings
But what about my reality?
Can fixing my feelings, fix that?
humor, perspective, positive thinking, SAHM, stay at home mom

Smile

11/12/16
It’s all about perspective.  I’m learning that my attitude is my choice and the way the world interacts with me is like a mirror.

When I walk through my day with judgment, anger and mistrust I experience the same from the people and situations I encounter.
I recently made a decision to try smiling regardless of how I feel on the inside.  I usually resist that type of thing because it feels so fake to me.  In fact, that is exactly what it is: a fake smile. But, on this particular day, I felt like a fake smile was my best option.
It started on Monday morning.  My son was mildly sick with a stomachache and a low fever, which meant he was staying home from school.  Typically I respond to my children’s illness with loving care and concern… like a normal “good” parent would.  But, this day was different, I was angry.  I’m ashamed to say that most of my anger was directed at my sick son who was still well enough to play Legos, watch TV and fight with his sister.
I realized there was a problem with my attitude when I found myself getting way too angry over little things he did.  Poor kid!!!  I knew I didn’t want the day to continue down that path, so after a few minutes of reading and meditating, I reached out to some friends for help.  I shot out a few texts confessing how angry and stressed I was about all of the things that I wanted to happen that week, but would be cancelled because of outside circumstances.  The overwhelming response I got back from my friends was change my perspective, focus on what’s positive and stop having a pity party.
Usually this type of advice would just make me more angry and would go in one ear and out the other; but this time, I had to admit they were dead on right.  Even reading back over my text, I had to laugh, or at least shake my head at myself.
Meanwhile, my two little children were still running around, destroying the house and vacillating between playing and fighting.
I pulled out my gratitude book and started writing about what I was grateful for.  I also noticed I hadn’t written in it for 6 months.  Hmm…  As I forced myself to think about what was positive in my life my attitude started to change.  I still wasn’t happy, but at least I was no longer angry at my sick son, so that was a step in the right direction.  I also decided that even if I wasn’t happy at the moment, for the sake of my children, I was going to act as if I was.  I put on my fake smile and my teacher voice and I did my best to be gracious and loving in my words and actions.
The amazing thing is that smiles and attitudes are contagious.  My kids both seemed happier and closer to me by the end of the day.  
I do have to admit that smiling didn’t stop my anger from coming out in full force that afternoon at the park towards a couple of strangers.  As my daughter excitedly ran towards the one swing, this grown woman looked at my daughter and quickly sat in the swing to save it for her own child who apparently was more interested in the dinosaur rocking horse.  Needless to say, she and her husband were the unfortunate recipients of all my suppressed anger.  I guess we never truly move far from what’s deep inside of us.  But for that day, for me, and for my children, the smile got us through.