@_gypsy_eyez, acceptance, African American women, black women, Call of the Universe, child abuse survivor, dealing with emotions, facing fear, Fear, healing, honesty, Ju Ju, June Lejoi, know thyself, let go and let God, loneliness, memoirs, mixed black and white, mixed race, multi-racial, multiracial, negative bias against black women, negative portrayal of black women in media, overcoming fear, poem, poetry, Self acceptance, self esteem, self hate, Self-love, shame, spiritual awakening, spiritual journey, transformation, Universe, use your talent, use your voice, voice, vulnerability

Perfection

131cdd10-f4b2-4c49-9d0b-732a30eb88c1

2/24/17

As I sit and feel the sadness
That I’ve been so desperately trying to escape
I know it comes from deep within
My muscles
My joints
They hold this heartache.
It tells me lies that feel so true
You are not enough
They don’t want you,
Your body
Your mind
Your personality
Your brown skin.
At 42 with two young children,
Prepare to be alone forever.
That’s the message I see when I look out
That’s the message I hear when I look within.
Storms
I’ve been warned that they are coming
I’ve been encouraged that I’m strong enough to face them.
Fear, sadness and guilt have kept me frozen.
But you deserve more than that,
And I want more too.

abandonment, cabin, memoirs, memories, mixed black and white, mixed race, parent with mental illness, raised by grandparents

The Cabin

12/29/16
The youngest memory I have with my grandma is at our vacation cabin at a local mountain ski area.  I remember sitting on the stairs, using the nutcracker to open nuts and eat them while she cooked in the kitchen.    I think I was about 3 years old.  At that age, the squirrel-shaped nutcracker was the funnest part of the whole trip.  I also remember climbing the snow banks, making snow angels, and eating the snow.  I loved sitting on the comfy couches in the warm sun and just looking out at the white snow everywhere.
Over the years, we went to the cabin almost every winter and lots of new memories were made as I grew older.  The cabin was always teaming with people: my grandma and grandpa, mom, uncle, aunt and even friends as I got older.  Building snowmen and digging snow forts, going sledding and learning to ski were activities I cherished.  I loved special time with my grandpa teaching me to ski and reading bedtime stories to me by the fireplace.
For some reason, coloring with my crayons and coloring book (in my younger years) was always a big part of the cabin experience.  I guess I enjoyed the alone time, or the one-on-one time with my mom or a friend in my room.  And, I was proud of my coloring skills.  Every visit, the diagonally slanted walls of my bedroom would start out bare.  By the end of our time there, my bedroom was filled with colorful pictures.  I still remember my technique of outlining each section dark, and then coloring the inside really light.
My grandparents sold the cabin as we all grew older and grandpa retired.  I think the main reason for selling it was the upkeep.  Whenever there was a big snow, he and my uncle would have to drive up to the mountain and shovel the snow off of the roof and away from the cabin, so that the weight wouldn’t collapse it.  I was sad to see it go after being part of our family story for so many years, but I’m so grateful for the memories.
choices, Christmas, Family of origin, holiday joy, holiday pain, meditation, memories, mixed black and white, mixed race, program tools, vulnerability

Holiday Joys 12/24/16

12/24/16
Little packages wrapped up just for me
Honesty and vulnerability 
Cut through the looming fears
What will they think of me
What will they say to me
Comfort and wisdom the gift (sigh).
The choice to walk away 
One I never knew I had
I can listen to that feeling inside of me
And change the course of my night.
Asking for what I need
Seeing the opportunity 
For a moment of solitude and meditation 
While grandma and grandpa entertain. 
Love
Family 
Joy

ancestors, Christmas, generational gap, grandparents, holiday pain, loss, memories, mixed black and white, mixed race, raised by grandparents, Sisters White Christmas, Sitting with the pain

Sitting With The Pain 12/23/16

12/23/16
The holiday pain
I know I’m not alone in it
Looking through pictures 
Lost loves
Lost moments
Lost opportunities 
The warm comforting smells and sounds
The smiles and laughter 
Cookies with grandma
Sitting with the pain means feeling it all
All of the good
All of loss
All of the pain