I’m learning to sit with my feelings, observe them, and then just let them be. I don’t mean just sitting around and feeling. I mean being aware of what I’m feeling inside as I go through my daily tasks, as I interact with others, and in times when I’m alone. I’ve been told that this is the only way I will be able to see the truth about my marriage and my true feelings towards my husband.
I’m not used to doing this at all, and it’s really uncomfortable. I’m usually operating on the surface level by reacting to my situations with anger, fear, or more anger. Recently, I’ve been learning to be more responsive than reactive. As I take the responsibility to respond to my own needs, and at the same time try to offer compassion to others, I’m less ruled by anger and fear.
What’s left behind are the lower level feelings. I’m often finding that I’m feeling happy, sad, content, discontent, engaged, bored, etc.
As I observe my feelings, if they are good feelings, I try to focus in more on what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with. I try to get more engaged and fully embrace that moment.
When I’m feeling discontent, bored, or lonely… if I’m in a healthy place, I try to observe the feeling and just let it be. If I’m having a hard time doing that, I try to turn to self-care. I do this because this is usually the point when I’m drawn to try to fix the feeling in some way. Sometimes, I fix my feelings in healthy ways and sometimes unhealthy ways. I don’t think it’s bad or wrong to turn to healthy options to make oneself feel better, this is just something new that I’m practicing to allow myself to actually sit with and feel my uncomfortable emotions.
The hardest part is when I’m feeling sadness. It’s definitely the most uncomfortable to sit with, and seem to last the longest.
I’ve really only been doing this for about a week, but something amazing is happening. I’m starting to get more clarity. I’m starting to understand how I feel around certain people and when I’m doing certain things. I don’t have all my answers yet, but the fog, the confusion and the craziness seems to be melting away. It’s humbling to see what I’m left with, but it’s also freeing.