energy, love

Butterfly Rush

9/20/17

Can you feel my physical pain?
I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you
When I’ve called out your name

I’ve felt pain in my stomach
When I thought I angered you
I thought you did it on purpose
But now I know that isn’t true

I know that we’re connected
But I don’t know how deep
I don’t even know how

I feel your presence within me
Running through me
Like a warm bath of sparkling champagne
With a kiss of honey
Flowing through my veins
And every nerve ending
Feels the sweet blush
From the tickle of butterflies
Your Divine and Lovely rush

I’ll never let you go
At least I never want to
So if you don’t see me
Know that my energy
My thoughts
And my heart
Are with you
Only you

anon 12 step program, choices, codependency, connection, divorce, emotional affair, Esther Perel, Friendship, higher power, law of attraction, let go and let God, letting go, living authentically, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, poem, poetry, Rethinking Infidelity, Ted Talks, Uncategorized

Valentine’s Day

Opening up my heart again,
Damn!
Will I ever let you in?
Can I trust you?
I guess we’ll see.
Is it worth it, meant to be?
Your love cast a spell on me
But I’m wiser now,
I know how to break free.
This is it
Your last chance.
I’ll do my part
The best I can.
I’ll trust my God
Over you
Over me
Universe pulling us each
to our individual destiny.
acceptance, blog, blogger, blogging, choices, Clarity, codependency, connection, dealing with emotions, divorce, emotional affair, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, faith, First things first, God, healing, higher power, honesty, insecure attachment, know thyself, let go and let God, letting go, loneliness, loss, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memories, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, spiritual journey, sponsor, sponsorship, surrender, therapy, Thy will be done, transformation, trapped, trusting God, Universe, writing

All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.