My friend was right. The outer rings are where transformation takes place. It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long. You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices. Or your moving out, come what may.
“I don’t have to like reality, I just have to accept it,” (A quote from a book that has helped me a lot recently.)
My health matters. I matter. My mental health matters. I say this because up to this moment my only real motivation for staying off-line has been my fear of not being able to care for my children. I love them so much and they are enough to keep me off of Instagram so far. But I’m miserable. I want to see that God is leading me to my greatest me. That I am enough to be the reason. That my health does matter. My sanity matters. I’m trying to trust my God. To believe that He has something wonderful and better for me. What I’m left with right now is not wonderful or better. I’m left with the misery of my unhappy marriage and the tug of the comfortable lifestyle that makes me keep settling.
I like who my husband and I are to the outside world as a couple. I like the money we make, the friends we have and the lifestyle we live. I like the fun that we can have when we do things together with the kids. My husband is a great and attentive dad. I like the way that he helps out with the kids and the chores; and I think about how hard it would be doing it all on my own.
As I’m writing these things about my husband I am feeling fearful, (I’m not sure of what) and I want to reach out this other man. I guess I look at him as my savior to rescue me from my husband and my marriage or at least distract me from my own misery.
I’ve been thinking about my dad recently. I lost him to cancer when he was 50 years-old. It was an undetected and extremely progressive cancer. We went from finding out he had the disease to burying him in less then a year. It was an excruciating process.
It’s been well over 10 years since he died and the pain has since dulled, even subsided. But recently, I’ve been telling my son and daughter more about their grandpa and the amazing person that he was.
My kids went all out this year for their own father, my husband, for Father’s Day. The video that they made for their dad brought him to tears. It was a great day… but it was also, as my son called it, “a happy sad day.” When my husband face-timed his dad with the kids to wish him a happy Father’s day, my in-laws would not show themselves in the camera. My father-in-law also wouldn’t speak to my husband, so he was not able to wish him happy Father’s Day. The call ended with my mother-in-law telling my husband how disappointed they were that we didn’t send them money for Father’s Day and for my mother-in-law’s recent Birthday. Our gift giving has been an ongoing challenge with them. In the past, they chastised us for giving $85 instead of an even $100. They said it showed we really didn’t care. When I personally bought her a hat from Nordstrom, she made me go back with her to Nordstrom, return the hat in front of her, and then hand her the money. It was a very shaming experience. My husband made the decision not to put money in their cards recently, because he said money was tight these past few months since I stopped working to be a stay-at-home mom.
At the end of the night on Father’s Day, sitting in the dark as my kids fell asleep, I found myself in tears, missing my dad, wishing that he could have known my kids, that he could have met my husband, that my kids could have known and experienced their grandfather’s love.