acceptance, awake, Call of the Universe, Change the world, Clarity, Community, compassion, connection, Consciousness, deflation of ego, denial, ego, facing the truth, Family of origin, hiding, honesty, humanity, inner child, insecure attachment, isolation, law of attraction, letting go, living authentically, loneliness, memoirs, mental illness, mentally ill parent, one human family, one human race, one humanity, overcoming fear, parent with mental illness, poem, poetry, Positive Affirmations, positive thinking, raised by grandparents, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Self-love, shame, social stigma, spiritual awakening, surrender, terminal uniqueness, trapped, trauma, Tribe, truth, unity, Universe, use your voice, Utopia society, vulnerability, Vulnerability is not weakness, woke

Secrets

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3/4/17

Why do we hide
What’s truly inside
Pretending that we’re all the same?
But what we don’t know
Until we let it go
Is we are all truly the same.

 

 

 

@_gypsy_eyez, acceptance, African American women, black women, Call of the Universe, child abuse survivor, dealing with emotions, facing fear, Fear, healing, honesty, Ju Ju, June Lejoi, know thyself, let go and let God, loneliness, memoirs, mixed black and white, mixed race, multi-racial, multiracial, negative bias against black women, negative portrayal of black women in media, overcoming fear, poem, poetry, Self acceptance, self esteem, self hate, Self-love, shame, spiritual awakening, spiritual journey, transformation, Universe, use your talent, use your voice, voice, vulnerability

Perfection

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2/24/17

As I sit and feel the sadness
That I’ve been so desperately trying to escape
I know it comes from deep within
My muscles
My joints
They hold this heartache.
It tells me lies that feel so true
You are not enough
They don’t want you,
Your body
Your mind
Your personality
Your brown skin.
At 42 with two young children,
Prepare to be alone forever.
That’s the message I see when I look out
That’s the message I hear when I look within.
Storms
I’ve been warned that they are coming
I’ve been encouraged that I’m strong enough to face them.
Fear, sadness and guilt have kept me frozen.
But you deserve more than that,
And I want more too.

anon 12 step program, healing, higher power, letting go, live and let live, loneliness, meditation, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, slogans, staying on my side of the street

Morning Meditation

1/28/17
I realized in my morning meditation time that I would need extra support on this day.  I found myself referring back to these thoughts for the day many times throughout my day.  It helped a lot…..
Thoughts For the Day-

One Day at a Time: “Focus on what I can do today, not regretting the past or fearing the future.  Solve today’s problem by doing one small thing today.” Higher Power’s got this ūüôŹūüŹĹ.

Live and Let Live: “Other people have the right to live their lives as they choose.  When I focus obsessively on others actions, choices and feelings I am taking energy away from myself, energy that is wasted and can’t be regained.  When I waste my life’s energy, I’m not taking care of myself.”  Focus on what is my business.  Stay on my side of the street, and make it awesome ūüėé.
*Quotes taken from books that are helping me through my healing process.
abandonment, Consciousness, higher power, isolation, loneliness, mixed race, Self care, Tribe, Universe

Love You’re Not Alone

1/31/17
When I said I would stand by you,
I was talking to you.
My tribe,
You don’t belong to me¬†
And I don’t belong to you,
Yet you have touched my life and changed me.
Our collective loving energy
Is a life line for the drowning,
(That was me)
And a spark in even the darkest places.
Some of you I know intimately 
Others I will never meet 
You are not alone
You are loved
My little loves,
You may feel as if you’re walking through hell right now,¬†
But you are not alone, and this too will pass
I will always be with you, and we will be okay 
You also have your own Higher Power
Lovingly caring for you every day
You are not alone 
You are loved 
Myself,
One day, I will learn to put you first, instead of last
I’m committed to loving you
To caring for you
I will not abandon you anymore 
You are not alone 
You are loved
Bi polar type 2, divorce, isolation, loneliness, marriage therapy

Loneliness

1/18/17
Loneliness

What does it look like to be free of you?
What does it feel like to be ok, alone?
That ache in my chest
It begins inside of me.
Why do I feel it as soon as I leave your presence?
Sometimes, it’s there when I’m right next to you.
Breakfast with a friend,
You and me talking about our days, 
Fellowship meetings,
Getting little love bouquets. 
If I’m so lonely with you here
How will I stand it when you’re gone?
Loneliness 
It begins inside of me.

Is this loneliness, or is this sadness?
Does this feeling have anything to do with you?
Or anyone?
Loneliness 
It begins inside of me.
12 step, Addiction, blog, blogger, blogging, dealing with emotions, delusion, denial, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, grief, hiding, honesty, isolation, know thyself, loneliness, memoirs, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, poem, poetry, reality, recovery, sadness, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, social media, trapped, trauma, Vulnerability is not weakness

Fantasy

10/26/16
Trapped

Alone
Isolated
Hopeless
This is when I turn to you
Fantasy
You give me
Comfort
Pleasure
Significance
Connection
Confidence
How can this be?
Fantasy
You are only an illusion
All In my head
Moving my heart
Disconnecting me from my present
Blocking me from my responsibilities
Numbing me not only to my pain,
But to those I love
Fantasy
acceptance, blog, blogger, blogging, choices, Clarity, codependency, connection, dealing with emotions, divorce, emotional affair, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, faith, First things first, God, healing, higher power, honesty, insecure attachment, know thyself, let go and let God, letting go, loneliness, loss, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memories, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, spiritual journey, sponsor, sponsorship, surrender, therapy, Thy will be done, transformation, trapped, trusting God, Universe, writing

All In 100%

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10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.

 

12 minutes, Destiny's Child, Emotions, God, inner child, know thyself, let go and let God, loneliness, meditation, sadness, self awareness, Self care

12 Minutes

I bow to you sadness.
I bow to you loneliness
Because you are stronger than me.
You are more powerful than me.

I have compassion on you, Love,
For the sadness and loneliness that you feel.

I can’t bear it,
But I can turn to God.
I can let it go and give it to him.
I can reach out my hand to him
and let him lead me 
through the fog of loneliness and sadness. 
It’s weight too much for me,¬†
it’s suffocating presence blinding.

He will take my hand, 
He will lead me through the fog 
until it dissipates and the sunlight breaks.
I just need to keep walking.
And I keep walking.