blog, blogger, blogging, Brave, health, judgment, letting go, Self-love, sexuality, shame, taboo, Unstoppable, vulnerability, women’s health, women’s sexual health, writing

Women’s Sexual Health

12/26/19

**WARNING: The content of this post is a bit graphic and may some people uncomfortable.

As the anniversary of my past marriage comes to a close, I find myself feeling the need to write about women’s sexual health.  
It started a few weeks ago, when I realized that the sex toy my ex-husband bought for us years prior, didn’t just need new batteries, it was dying.  Oh no!  How was I going to get another one of these?  Should I use Amazon?  Then, the purchase would ever haunt me in my Amazon Prime purchase history.  What if the box that arrives is not as inconspicuous as I would like? Will my neighbors know what I’m buying? No, I definitely need to go to the store for this one.  
At first I was in denial.  I thought I might be able to eek out the last bit of power from my dying vibrator.  Eventually, I had to come to terms with some fears and old mental programming that was now standing in the way of me caring for myself.  
I remembered the words spoken to me by a previous therapist. She asked me to consider, when my own daughter becomes of age, would I want her to feel that she should have sex with someone even if she doesn’t want to, because she believed self-stimulation was wrong.  We were discussing my own question about the morality and health of self-stimulation, versus unhealthy choices I had made in the past.
As I remembered that talk, I wondered where my shame around this issue came from. I feel completely fine and free when it comes to sex in marriage and outside of marriage.  I even felt comfortable and open to the idea of same sex and group sex.  I don’t bat an eye at the mention of men masturbating to naked images, but the idea of a single woman (me) masturbating seemed disgraceful, like I must be a loser. “Why do I feel this way?” I wondered.
I did some soul searching.  I dealt with my demons, and released the religious Cool-Aid I drank in the past.  I checked with Google, and according to Web MD, self-stimulation is healthy for women and recommended for increased sexual and emotional health.  
Armed with my new beliefs and a few crystals, I got in the car and headed to Walgreens.  I must admit, I had more butterflies in my stomach than I’ve had in a long time.  I made sure to bring in my own bag, so I didn’t have to endure the embarrassment of having my sexual health products sit on the counter while I paid, and the people behind me watched.  
But first, I had to get to the isle.  I’m not gonna lie, I almost chickened out a couple of times.  I nervously did an extra lap around the store, and finally stood in front of the lubricating gel selection.  I was surprised that all of the sex toy paraphernalia was sold out.  I was slightly relived and also disappointed.  
I got stuck in the isle because  people kept walking by me. I didn’t want to just grab it right in of them.  Then, a family, with a mother, father and toddler son, came and stood next to me, and wouldn’t leave.  The mom went looking in another isle, but the dad and son remained.  I stood there staring down at the Monistat 7 collection, too embarrassed to grab the Astroglide until they walked away.  When I finally got to the checkout line, no one else was around, phew!  The checker was totally cool, he didn’t make me feel weird at all.  In fact, he joked that he was gonna charge me double because I brought in a Target bag into Wallgreens.  He made me laugh, and that broke the tension.  
Back in my car, it was on to Target.  I wasn’t gonna give up now.  At Target, they had exactly what I wanted. But, the lines were long and crowded.  I went to what looked like a shorter line, and then I saw the golden lights of self-checkout. (Ahhhh.) I felt like the heavens had parted.  Within three minutes, I was back in my car without anyone even noticing what I bought.  
I was proud of myself.  I felt like a real woman.  I was officially not a kid.  I had the guts and confidence to walk into Target and buy myself a vibrator for my sexual and emotional health.  
Sadly, when I got home and opened the box, I found an empty ripped plastic bag inside. Someone, who probably didn’t want to go through the social stigma of buying it, had stolen it.
12 step, Addiction, codependency, denial, energy, facing the truth, letting go, poem, poetry

Like a Drug

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Like a drug
Your love
It knocks me down
Puts me in withdrawal
Sends me high
Flying
Then I believe it’s worth it all
Like a drug
Your love
It inches away my life
Saps me of my energy
Leaves me desperate and lonely
Like a drug
I should quit you
And it will never feel good to do it
And when you tempt me
With your presence
I should resist
Without you life is mundane
With you it’s insane
Loving and hating
Will we ever stop this crazy game
acceptance, awake, Call of the Universe, Change the world, Clarity, Community, compassion, connection, Consciousness, deflation of ego, denial, ego, facing the truth, Family of origin, hiding, honesty, humanity, inner child, insecure attachment, isolation, law of attraction, letting go, living authentically, loneliness, memoirs, mental illness, mentally ill parent, one human family, one human race, one humanity, overcoming fear, parent with mental illness, poem, poetry, Positive Affirmations, positive thinking, raised by grandparents, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Self-love, shame, social stigma, spiritual awakening, surrender, terminal uniqueness, trapped, trauma, Tribe, truth, unity, Universe, use your voice, Utopia society, vulnerability, Vulnerability is not weakness, woke

Secrets

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3/4/17

Why do we hide
What’s truly inside
Pretending that we’re all the same?
But what we don’t know
Until we let it go
Is we are all truly the same.

 

 

 

anon 12 step program, choices, codependency, connection, divorce, emotional affair, Esther Perel, Friendship, higher power, law of attraction, let go and let God, letting go, living authentically, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, poem, poetry, Rethinking Infidelity, Ted Talks, Uncategorized

Valentine’s Day

Opening up my heart again,
Damn!
Will I ever let you in?
Can I trust you?
I guess we’ll see.
Is it worth it, meant to be?
Your love cast a spell on me
But I’m wiser now,
I know how to break free.
This is it
Your last chance.
I’ll do my part
The best I can.
I’ll trust my God
Over you
Over me
Universe pulling us each
to our individual destiny.
anon 12 step program, healing, higher power, letting go, live and let live, loneliness, meditation, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, slogans, staying on my side of the street

Morning Meditation

1/28/17
I realized in my morning meditation time that I would need extra support on this day.  I found myself referring back to these thoughts for the day many times throughout my day.  It helped a lot…..
Thoughts For the Day-

One Day at a Time: “Focus on what I can do today, not regretting the past or fearing the future.  Solve today’s problem by doing one small thing today.” Higher Power’s got this 🙏🏽.

Live and Let Live: “Other people have the right to live their lives as they choose.  When I focus obsessively on others actions, choices and feelings I am taking energy away from myself, energy that is wasted and can’t be regained.  When I waste my life’s energy, I’m not taking care of myself.”  Focus on what is my business.  Stay on my side of the street, and make it awesome 😎.
*Quotes taken from books that are helping me through my healing process.
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All In 100%

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10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.