blog, blogging, Brave, Call of the Universe, Change the world, choices, Clarity, Community, connection, courage, divorce, God, God box, healing, higher power, human kindness, humanity, let go and let God, social media, Source, spiritual awakening, spiritual journey, stay at home mom, surrender, trust, trusting God, unity, Universe, use your talent, use your voice, Utopia society, Vision, writing

God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

anon 12 step program, choices, codependency, connection, divorce, emotional affair, Esther Perel, Friendship, higher power, law of attraction, let go and let God, letting go, living authentically, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, poem, poetry, Rethinking Infidelity, Ted Talks, Uncategorized

Valentine’s Day

Opening up my heart again,
Damn!
Will I ever let you in?
Can I trust you?
I guess we’ll see.
Is it worth it, meant to be?
Your love cast a spell on me
But I’m wiser now,
I know how to break free.
This is it
Your last chance.
I’ll do my part
The best I can.
I’ll trust my God
Over you
Over me
Universe pulling us each
to our individual destiny.
anon 12 step program, healing, higher power, letting go, live and let live, loneliness, meditation, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, slogans, staying on my side of the street

Morning Meditation

1/28/17
I realized in my morning meditation time that I would need extra support on this day.  I found myself referring back to these thoughts for the day many times throughout my day.  It helped a lot…..
Thoughts For the Day-

One Day at a Time: “Focus on what I can do today, not regretting the past or fearing the future.  Solve today’s problem by doing one small thing today.” Higher Power’s got this 🙏🏽.

Live and Let Live: “Other people have the right to live their lives as they choose.  When I focus obsessively on others actions, choices and feelings I am taking energy away from myself, energy that is wasted and can’t be regained.  When I waste my life’s energy, I’m not taking care of myself.”  Focus on what is my business.  Stay on my side of the street, and make it awesome 😎.
*Quotes taken from books that are helping me through my healing process.
abandonment, Consciousness, higher power, isolation, loneliness, mixed race, Self care, Tribe, Universe

Love You’re Not Alone

1/31/17
When I said I would stand by you,
I was talking to you.
My tribe,
You don’t belong to me 
And I don’t belong to you,
Yet you have touched my life and changed me.
Our collective loving energy
Is a life line for the drowning,
(That was me)
And a spark in even the darkest places.
Some of you I know intimately 
Others I will never meet 
You are not alone
You are loved
My little loves,
You may feel as if you’re walking through hell right now, 
But you are not alone, and this too will pass
I will always be with you, and we will be okay 
You also have your own Higher Power
Lovingly caring for you every day
You are not alone 
You are loved 
Myself,
One day, I will learn to put you first, instead of last
I’m committed to loving you
To caring for you
I will not abandon you anymore 
You are not alone 
You are loved
Charlie Puth One Call Away, faith, higher power, Thy will be done

God 11/30/16

November 30, 2016

Who are you?
I see you everywhere
In nature, in loving acts, in coincidence. 
I know you’re here.
I can feel you surrounding me,
I can feel you inside of me, 
filling me with warmth and love.
I’m trying every day to trust you,
To surrender.
I don’t question your existence,
But your goodness,
Your love and care for me.
Can I trust you?
It’s always your will versus mine,
The choice is up to me.
Do I need to follow a book to please you?
Do I need to be with the right group to make you happy?
Do you love me unconditionally?

I need for you to love me unconditionally.

Please don’t abandon me.
I’m lost without you.

acceptance, blog, blogger, blogging, choices, Clarity, codependency, connection, dealing with emotions, divorce, emotional affair, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, faith, First things first, God, healing, higher power, honesty, insecure attachment, know thyself, let go and let God, letting go, loneliness, loss, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memories, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, spiritual journey, sponsor, sponsorship, surrender, therapy, Thy will be done, transformation, trapped, trusting God, Universe, writing

All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.

 

back to school, environmental pollution, First things first, God, higher power, mindful potty training, poverty, recovery, religion, Self care, society, systemic racism, war, writing

First Things First 9/5/16

9/5/16
I’ve been stalled recently, not just in my writing but in all areas.  I guess really, I haven’t been stalled… but I’ve put some important aspects of my life on hold to focus on other things.

I’ve been focused on our back-to-school schedule and getting my son to school on time, teeth brushed, lunch packed, homework done and with a good night’s sleep under his belt.  He started kindergarten this year and is also learning Korean.  He’s loving his school and so am I.  My daughter also started preschool part time.  More importantly, she decided that she’s finally ready to potty train. Whew!!!  It was literally a decision for her.  For months now, she’s been refusing to use the toilet, but after some encouragement from her new teacher and the promise of strawberry-watermelon Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum, she decided she was ready.  Once she decided, she was potty trained by the next day!  She didn’t want anything else to do with the pull-ups after that. Go figure!

Finding balance is always hard for me, and for some reason my own needs usually seem to be the ones that get put on the back burner.  I’m learning though, that the areas in which I’m not caring for myself inevitably end up being the same areas that I have blind spots in caring for my family.  This helps motivate me to prioritize self-care.  At minimum, I’m motivated to model self-care for my kids.  I try to remember the airplane example, that in an emergency, the mother needs to put on her own oxygen mask before putting the masks on her children.

Right now, my oxygen mask is trying to get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, meditate, pray, play the piano, be in nature, write, and actively work on my own personal growth and healing.

I’m also feeling called to do more, to do something to try to heal society.  This world feels so broken right now, on so many levels.  I think it always has been, but I’ve just been living in my bubble of denial.  Opening my eyes and accepting the reality is very overwhelming.  I’m talking about racism, capitalism, classism, wars, pollution, violence and hatred.  It can be so overwhelming that I can understand why we want to just focus on the positive, just live in our bubble and enjoy it.  The weight of reality makes me want to turn to God and religion as the only solution.  Love vs. Hate.  But….. even turning to God and religion is little comfort to me right now, because of the wounds and confusion from my religious experiences over the past 21 years.  Despite this, I do trust that my God is loving me and guiding me.

I’m grateful that through this time of seeking, my husband has been supportive.  I’m grateful that my children are healthy and happy.  I’m grateful that I have friends and a support network that I can turn to and rely on.  I’m grateful.

 

 

compassion, Confidence, higher power, meditation, obsessive thoughts, Sia, therapy, Unstoppable

A Good Day

6/17/16
I noticed recently, that instead of watching TV I wanted to write. How weird!!  I’m a TV junkie, born and bred since childhood.  I definitely know the feeling of a “show hole,” and I’ve woken up many mornings kicking myself for staying up too late watching TV after the kids have gone to sleep.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely waiting for the next episodes of The Path, Empire, Blackish, and American Crime to come out on Hulu; but, I’m really enjoying writing in this particular medium.  

I think my husband likes it too, because he doesn’t have to listen to me late into the night quite as much.  I think that writing and sharing my experiences with an audience (even a pseudo one) is helping me to process my feelings about situations that, a lot of times, are even too overwhelming for me to think about.  

So, what makes the day a “good day”?  For me, it’s confidence and love.  How much love I’m willing and able to give and receive?  On bad days, I find myself trapped in my negative and obsessive thoughts.  I compare myself to others, and somehow always come up lacking.  I personalize others’ actions or inactions regarding situations that have absolutely nothing to do with me.  Things like: who the stranger passing me on the street has chosen to marry — what was the woman’s race? — if she wasn’t black or mixed-with-black, might that mean that I’m undesirable? — If she’s Asian and he’s white, are they racist against people like me? — is there a new anti-black coalition starting here??? (Sigh……) Yes, it’s pretty comical and sad once I give my obsessive fears a voice.  But, I have to give them a voice, because they are there, and they’re real inside of me.  Trying to push the thoughts away, pretend they don’t exist, or tell myself how wrong and unhealthy they are, only perpetuates my isolation and shame.  

I’m learning, with the help of my therapist, to acknowledge my negative and obsessive thoughts, to admit them to myself, listen to them instead of silencing them.  She has taught me that through meditation,  I can breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4.  As thoughts and feelings come, I can name what I’m feeling.  I can offer compassion to myself for those thoughts and feelings (not judgement).  I can bow to those feelings (“I bow to you shame”) because they are truly more powerful than me and I can’t control them.  Then I can release it to my God, and return to my breathing – breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4,  and out 1, 2, 3, 4.  

This practice is helping me to have more compassion and love for myself, and in turn, I am able to have more compassion and love for others.  Over time, I’m finding myself having more good days, feeling more light, more free, and more confident.

 

Call of the Universe, Community, higher power, human kindness, humanity, law of attraction, Self care, trusting God, unity, Utopia society

Taking Care of Me

6/3/16
It feels good to take care of myself.  I recently started swimming with my kids and it’s been amazing… except for the part about feeling like a bag lady with all of the gear, and forgetting our things everywhere…. even in the pool.  Over the past week, we’ve lost my son’s swim goggles, left his rash guard behind in the pool for a few hours, and even left the gym with all of our floaty gear still in the locker (unlocked).  Oh yeah, we drove back for it later that evening and it was still there!  Yay!😃   It felt really good to go back and find our things still there.  Not only because they were expensive, but because I put them in the locker and and left it unlocked while the locker room was jam packed with people.  I even noticed someone watching me do it, and I thought, “Should I be worried?” and then thought, “Oh well, I guess I’ll find out.”  I left it in God’s hands.  There’s something really special to me about putting myself out there, leaving the lock off, and trusting the people around me to be good, and having them come through.  Thinking about locks makes me think of a time, or a place where people leave their doors unlocked and feel safe and secure in their homes.  Maybe their strong feelings of safety attract safety and security into their lives.  I dream of living in a world like that🌅.  At the gym, I did have a lock, and I did use it on another locker housing my purse.  The problem was I only had one lock and two lockers full of stuff.  I suppose this was an exercise in trust especially designed for me.  I kind of didn’t have a choice in the matter, so I guess my trust muscles must be pretty small at the moment😜.  Today, I also took more chances to open myself up to people.  I smiled more, said “Hi”, and even started conversations with strangers.  The overwhelming majority of the responses I received from others were positive.   When I left the gym today, I felt tired (but good tired), I felt confident, and I felt like I belonged.  What a wonderful feeling.

blogging, Call of the Universe, faith, Fear, God, higher power, know thyself, Self acceptance, self esteem, self expression, spiritual awakening, the power of media

Letting Go

6/1/16
I decided to start this blog after a suggestion by my therapist to write and blog about my perspective and experience.  It’s scary to put my thoughts out there to the public.   I guess, as my good friend explained it, I’m hoping to find others who can identify with my journey.  Not just people who look like me, or are in the same type of situation as me, but those who can relate in some way or another.  This started as a private journal.  Just a way to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I’m feeling a great fear of offending someone, a fear of being attacked or misunderstood, and a great fear of being rejected and ridiculed.  But, I’m deciding to move forward on faith. To listen to the Universe’s call, and to let go of my need to play it safe and protect myself from the things that I fear.   So I’m diving in, well, as soon as I can figure out how to start a blog through my iPhone😆.