blog, blogging, Brave, Call of the Universe, Change the world, choices, Clarity, Community, connection, courage, divorce, God, God box, healing, higher power, human kindness, humanity, let go and let God, social media, Source, spiritual awakening, spiritual journey, stay at home mom, surrender, trust, trusting God, unity, Universe, use your talent, use your voice, Utopia society, Vision, writing

God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

anon 12 step program, choices, codependency, connection, divorce, emotional affair, Esther Perel, Friendship, higher power, law of attraction, let go and let God, letting go, living authentically, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, poem, poetry, Rethinking Infidelity, Ted Talks, Uncategorized

Valentine’s Day

Opening up my heart again,
Damn!
Will I ever let you in?
Can I trust you?
I guess we’ll see.
Is it worth it, meant to be?
Your love cast a spell on me
But I’m wiser now,
I know how to break free.
This is it
Your last chance.
I’ll do my part
The best I can.
I’ll trust my God
Over you
Over me
Universe pulling us each
to our individual destiny.
anon 12 step program, healing, higher power, letting go, live and let live, loneliness, meditation, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, slogans, staying on my side of the street

Morning Meditation

1/28/17
I realized in my morning meditation time that I would need extra support on this day.  I found myself referring back to these thoughts for the day many times throughout my day.  It helped a lot…..
Thoughts For the Day-

One Day at a Time: “Focus on what I can do today, not regretting the past or fearing the future.  Solve today’s problem by doing one small thing today.” Higher Power’s got this 🙏🏽.

Live and Let Live: “Other people have the right to live their lives as they choose.  When I focus obsessively on others actions, choices and feelings I am taking energy away from myself, energy that is wasted and can’t be regained.  When I waste my life’s energy, I’m not taking care of myself.”  Focus on what is my business.  Stay on my side of the street, and make it awesome 😎.
*Quotes taken from books that are helping me through my healing process.
abandonment, Consciousness, higher power, isolation, loneliness, mixed race, Self care, Tribe, Universe

Love You’re Not Alone

1/31/17
When I said I would stand by you,
I was talking to you.
My tribe,
You don’t belong to me 
And I don’t belong to you,
Yet you have touched my life and changed me.
Our collective loving energy
Is a life line for the drowning,
(That was me)
And a spark in even the darkest places.
Some of you I know intimately 
Others I will never meet 
You are not alone
You are loved
My little loves,
You may feel as if you’re walking through hell right now, 
But you are not alone, and this too will pass
I will always be with you, and we will be okay 
You also have your own Higher Power
Lovingly caring for you every day
You are not alone 
You are loved 
Myself,
One day, I will learn to put you first, instead of last
I’m committed to loving you
To caring for you
I will not abandon you anymore 
You are not alone 
You are loved
Charlie Puth One Call Away, faith, higher power, Thy will be done

God 11/30/16

November 30, 2016

Who are you?
I see you everywhere
In nature, in loving acts, in coincidence. 
I know you’re here.
I can feel you surrounding me,
I can feel you inside of me, 
filling me with warmth and love.
I’m trying every day to trust you,
To surrender.
I don’t question your existence,
But your goodness,
Your love and care for me.
Can I trust you?
It’s always your will versus mine,
The choice is up to me.
Do I need to follow a book to please you?
Do I need to be with the right group to make you happy?
Do you love me unconditionally?

I need for you to love me unconditionally.

Please don’t abandon me.
I’m lost without you.

acceptance, blog, blogger, blogging, choices, Clarity, codependency, connection, dealing with emotions, divorce, emotional affair, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, faith, First things first, God, healing, higher power, honesty, insecure attachment, know thyself, let go and let God, letting go, loneliness, loss, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memories, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, spiritual journey, sponsor, sponsorship, surrender, therapy, Thy will be done, transformation, trapped, trusting God, Universe, writing

All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.

 

back to school, environmental pollution, First things first, God, higher power, mindful potty training, poverty, recovery, religion, Self care, society, systemic racism, war, writing

First Things First 9/5/16

9/5/16
I’ve been stalled recently, not just in my writing but in all areas.  I guess really, I haven’t been stalled… but I’ve put some important aspects of my life on hold to focus on other things.

I’ve been focused on our back-to-school schedule and getting my son to school on time, teeth brushed, lunch packed, homework done and with a good night’s sleep under his belt.  He started kindergarten this year and is also learning Korean.  He’s loving his school and so am I.  My daughter also started preschool part time.  More importantly, she decided that she’s finally ready to potty train. Whew!!!  It was literally a decision for her.  For months now, she’s been refusing to use the toilet, but after some encouragement from her new teacher and the promise of strawberry-watermelon Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum, she decided she was ready.  Once she decided, she was potty trained by the next day!  She didn’t want anything else to do with the pull-ups after that. Go figure!

Finding balance is always hard for me, and for some reason my own needs usually seem to be the ones that get put on the back burner.  I’m learning though, that the areas in which I’m not caring for myself inevitably end up being the same areas that I have blind spots in caring for my family.  This helps motivate me to prioritize self-care.  At minimum, I’m motivated to model self-care for my kids.  I try to remember the airplane example, that in an emergency, the mother needs to put on her own oxygen mask before putting the masks on her children.

Right now, my oxygen mask is trying to get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, meditate, pray, play the piano, be in nature, write, and actively work on my own personal growth and healing.

I’m also feeling called to do more, to do something to try to heal society.  This world feels so broken right now, on so many levels.  I think it always has been, but I’ve just been living in my bubble of denial.  Opening my eyes and accepting the reality is very overwhelming.  I’m talking about racism, capitalism, classism, wars, pollution, violence and hatred.  It can be so overwhelming that I can understand why we want to just focus on the positive, just live in our bubble and enjoy it.  The weight of reality makes me want to turn to God and religion as the only solution.  Love vs. Hate.  But….. even turning to God and religion is little comfort to me right now, because of the wounds and confusion from my religious experiences over the past 21 years.  Despite this, I do trust that my God is loving me and guiding me.

I’m grateful that through this time of seeking, my husband has been supportive.  I’m grateful that my children are healthy and happy.  I’m grateful that I have friends and a support network that I can turn to and rely on.  I’m grateful.