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God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

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All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.

 

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12 Minutes

I bow to you sadness.
I bow to you loneliness
Because you are stronger than me.
You are more powerful than me.

I have compassion on you, Love,
For the sadness and loneliness that you feel.

I can’t bear it,
But I can turn to God.
I can let it go and give it to him.
I can reach out my hand to him
and let him lead me 
through the fog of loneliness and sadness. 
It’s weight too much for me, 
it’s suffocating presence blinding.

He will take my hand, 
He will lead me through the fog 
until it dissipates and the sunlight breaks.
I just need to keep walking.
And I keep walking.

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First Things First 9/5/16

9/5/16
I’ve been stalled recently, not just in my writing but in all areas.  I guess really, I haven’t been stalled… but I’ve put some important aspects of my life on hold to focus on other things.

I’ve been focused on our back-to-school schedule and getting my son to school on time, teeth brushed, lunch packed, homework done and with a good night’s sleep under his belt.  He started kindergarten this year and is also learning Korean.  He’s loving his school and so am I.  My daughter also started preschool part time.  More importantly, she decided that she’s finally ready to potty train. Whew!!!  It was literally a decision for her.  For months now, she’s been refusing to use the toilet, but after some encouragement from her new teacher and the promise of strawberry-watermelon Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum, she decided she was ready.  Once she decided, she was potty trained by the next day!  She didn’t want anything else to do with the pull-ups after that. Go figure!

Finding balance is always hard for me, and for some reason my own needs usually seem to be the ones that get put on the back burner.  I’m learning though, that the areas in which I’m not caring for myself inevitably end up being the same areas that I have blind spots in caring for my family.  This helps motivate me to prioritize self-care.  At minimum, I’m motivated to model self-care for my kids.  I try to remember the airplane example, that in an emergency, the mother needs to put on her own oxygen mask before putting the masks on her children.

Right now, my oxygen mask is trying to get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, meditate, pray, play the piano, be in nature, write, and actively work on my own personal growth and healing.

I’m also feeling called to do more, to do something to try to heal society.  This world feels so broken right now, on so many levels.  I think it always has been, but I’ve just been living in my bubble of denial.  Opening my eyes and accepting the reality is very overwhelming.  I’m talking about racism, capitalism, classism, wars, pollution, violence and hatred.  It can be so overwhelming that I can understand why we want to just focus on the positive, just live in our bubble and enjoy it.  The weight of reality makes me want to turn to God and religion as the only solution.  Love vs. Hate.  But….. even turning to God and religion is little comfort to me right now, because of the wounds and confusion from my religious experiences over the past 21 years.  Despite this, I do trust that my God is loving me and guiding me.

I’m grateful that through this time of seeking, my husband has been supportive.  I’m grateful that my children are healthy and happy.  I’m grateful that I have friends and a support network that I can turn to and rely on.  I’m grateful.

 

 

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Letting Go

6/1/16
I decided to start this blog after a suggestion by my therapist to write and blog about my perspective and experience.  It’s scary to put my thoughts out there to the public.   I guess, as my good friend explained it, I’m hoping to find others who can identify with my journey.  Not just people who look like me, or are in the same type of situation as me, but those who can relate in some way or another.  This started as a private journal.  Just a way to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I’m feeling a great fear of offending someone, a fear of being attacked or misunderstood, and a great fear of being rejected and ridiculed.  But, I’m deciding to move forward on faith. To listen to the Universe’s call, and to let go of my need to play it safe and protect myself from the things that I fear.   So I’m diving in, well, as soon as I can figure out how to start a blog through my iPhone😆.