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All In 100%


My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.


back to school, environmental pollution, First things first, God, higher power, mindful potty training, poverty, recovery, religion, Self care, society, systemic racism, war, writing

First Things First 9/5/16

I’ve been stalled recently, not just in my writing but in all areas.  I guess really, I haven’t been stalled… but I’ve put some important aspects of my life on hold to focus on other things.

I’ve been focused on our back-to-school schedule and getting my son to school on time, teeth brushed, lunch packed, homework done and with a good night’s sleep under his belt.  He started kindergarten this year and is also learning Korean.  He’s loving his school and so am I.  My daughter also started preschool part time.  More importantly, she decided that she’s finally ready to potty train. Whew!!!  It was literally a decision for her.  For months now, she’s been refusing to use the toilet, but after some encouragement from her new teacher and the promise of strawberry-watermelon Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum, she decided she was ready.  Once she decided, she was potty trained by the next day!  She didn’t want anything else to do with the pull-ups after that. Go figure!

Finding balance is always hard for me, and for some reason my own needs usually seem to be the ones that get put on the back burner.  I’m learning though, that the areas in which I’m not caring for myself inevitably end up being the same areas that I have blind spots in caring for my family.  This helps motivate me to prioritize self-care.  At minimum, I’m motivated to model self-care for my kids.  I try to remember the airplane example, that in an emergency, the mother needs to put on her own oxygen mask before putting the masks on her children.

Right now, my oxygen mask is trying to get adequate sleep, eat healthy, exercise, meditate, pray, play the piano, be in nature, write, and actively work on my own personal growth and healing.

I’m also feeling called to do more, to do something to try to heal society.  This world feels so broken right now, on so many levels.  I think it always has been, but I’ve just been living in my bubble of denial.  Opening my eyes and accepting the reality is very overwhelming.  I’m talking about racism, capitalism, classism, wars, pollution, violence and hatred.  It can be so overwhelming that I can understand why we want to just focus on the positive, just live in our bubble and enjoy it.  The weight of reality makes me want to turn to God and religion as the only solution.  Love vs. Hate.  But….. even turning to God and religion is little comfort to me right now, because of the wounds and confusion from my religious experiences over the past 21 years.  Despite this, I do trust that my God is loving me and guiding me.

I’m grateful that through this time of seeking, my husband has been supportive.  I’m grateful that my children are healthy and happy.  I’m grateful that I have friends and a support network that I can turn to and rely on.  I’m grateful.