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Perfection

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2/24/17

As I sit and feel the sadness
That I’ve been so desperately trying to escape
I know it comes from deep within
My muscles
My joints
They hold this heartache.
It tells me lies that feel so true
You are not enough
They don’t want you,
Your body
Your mind
Your personality
Your brown skin.
At 42 with two young children,
Prepare to be alone forever.
That’s the message I see when I look out
That’s the message I hear when I look within.
Storms
I’ve been warned that they are coming
I’ve been encouraged that I’m strong enough to face them.
Fear, sadness and guilt have kept me frozen.
But you deserve more than that,
And I want more too.

acceptance, activism, African American women, Anger, black lives matter, Change the world, Clarity, Community, compassion, Consciousness, culture clash, deflation of ego, ego, end war, energy, eracism, Fear, Frans Stiene, highly sensitive person, human kindness, humanity, inner peace, judging others, judgment, know thyself, law of attraction, live and let live, meditation, memoirs, Mindful parenting, one human family, one human race, one humanity, positive thinking, racial bias, racism, Reiki, Self acceptance, self awareness, Self care, self hate, Self-love, shame, spiritual awakening, spiritual journey, The Inner Heart of Reiki, transformation, unity, Utopia society, woke, world peace

Wabi Sabi: The Beauty of Imperfection

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On my journey of self-acceptance, I’m trying to embrace the concept that we are all the same. I am no better and no worse than anyone else. I am human, perfectly imperfect. This concept usually comes up for me when I start getting super hard on myself for my mistakes.

I’ve mentioned before that I have issues with timeliness. I mean, this dates back to grade school for me, and I really have to plan things out and focus, to make it on time to just about anything. It’s so bad, that my kids don’t know what to do with themselves when we actually get somewhere early and have to wait. We’re usually rushing in at the last minute and barely making it on time, or just late. Like most people, running late gets me really anxious and worried.

I’ve started incorporating some of the Reiki precepts I’m learning into my morning meditation time. The prayer that I’ve learned from Reiki goes like this, “Just for today, do not anger, do not worry, be thankful, do what you are meant to do, be kind to others.”

I recently had the special privilege of asking a prominent Reiki teacher about these precepts and the focus on anger and worry embedded in the prayer. I have been learning about the law of attraction and the power of my words and thoughts to manifest what I speak and think. I questioned the use of “anger” and “worry” in relation to this concept of attraction. I had even gone as far as to create my own “positive” version of the Reiki prayer. 😂smh. I guess this tells you what kind of student I am. Anyway, I’m really glad I was able to ask this teacher my question because his answer gave me a whole new understanding. He explained that unlike affirmations, the Reiki precepts were more like guiding rules for life. For example the precept, do not anger can be a reminder for me when I feel anger coming up to question that anger. Where is it coming from? Why is it there? Does the anger serve me? And then to be able to let the anger go. This is different from an affirmation which may help me in the moment to turn away from the anger, but may not allow me the space to examine and release the source of the anger. I was able to apply his explanation the very next day.

After spending my morning meditation focusing on mindful breathing, Reiki precepts and grounding, I got my kids ready for school. Needless to say, the time management just wasn’t there this particular morning and we were running late. The problem for me is not getting up on time, because I’m actually up very early, it’s more of a focus and time management issue. I’ve been really good recently with getting my son to school on time using positive affirmations. I literally say “We are going to be on time to Ms.__’s class today,” about 50 times from the time they wake up until I drop him off at school. And it’s been working. We’ve been on time every day for quite a while now. But this particular morning we left extra late. I still used my affirmations and it worked! There were almost no cars on the road and I pretty much drove like a maniac the whole way there.

But, on the way home as I thought about the collateral damage of our morning commute, in flooded the feelings of self-condemnation. Thinking about the Reiki precepts helped me work through the guilt I was feeling. I felt guilty because I spent the entire 25 minute (normally 35 minute) drive to school filled with worry and anger. When my kids tried to talk to me, I told them I couldn’t talk to them because I needed to focus on the road and get there on time. I also drove pretty crazy, which I know scares my kids. I even honked at a lady for fluffing her hair in the mirror instead of driving. My kids, like me are both highly sensitive, so I’m sure that they were very affected by the worry and anger energy I was emoting. My son even asked me, “Who do you love the most God, other people, or yourself?” I told him, “I don’t know, I can’t answer that right now, I have to focus on the road.” Theses were the guilty feelings I drove home with, wondering how my children were handling their school experience after all that negative energy. Wondering if my son would ever ask me that question again and care about my answer.

It was during this time that I started thinking about how I had prayed earlier “do not anger and do not worry”. I started to ask myself why I was worried. I was able to acknowledge that the worry did not serve me at all. I could have made it to school on time without any worry or anger and I could have given my children a different start to their day (and the lady I honked at). And myself…. that worry and anger hurt me most of all.

As I examined the source of the worry, I realized it had nothing to do with my son and his needs. The truth is that I was worried about being judged as a parent by people at the school and I was worried that their negative opinion of me would lead to negative actions against me. I was giving these people more power over my life than my Higher Power.

At the end of it all, I was left with my feelings of guilt and shame. This is where compassion for myself has to come into the picture. It’s easier for me to offer myself compassion when I can remember the Japanese concept of wabi sabi, the beauty of imperfection. It reminds me that being an imperfect human is what makes me perfect. My imperfections accentuate my humanness and the acceptance of my own humanness allows me to love and honor the humanness in others.

I am no better or worse than anyone else, and the same can be said for us all. We are all perfectly imperfect in our own way.

This gives me hope for humanity. Just as I can reach across the aisle and change my mind about someone or love someone who seems to be an enemy, so can everyone else.

If we can see and accept our own imperfections, there is hope that we can have compassion for the imperfections of others.

We can stop seeing each other through the eyes of judgement and allow ourselves to be surprised by beauty that exists in every living being. I know this begins with me.

I want to be surprised.

Ali Wong: Baby Cobra, black, black Asian family, blasian, blogging, courage, eracism, Fear, isolation, mixed race, multi-racial, one human family, one human race, one humanity, racism, terminal uniqueness

Terrified

6/9/16
I felt terrified of putting myself out there in this blog after watching a comedy show, Ali Wong: Baby Cobra.  I thought her show was really funny and I agreed with a lot of her perspectives. But, I was again left thinking, “Maybe there just aren’t other people that can relate to me.”  Those familiar feelings of isolation came flooding back in, like I’m the only one who can understand, or even have compassion for my situation.  I’ve heard it referred to as terminal uniqueness.  The fear started to stifle me again.

I kept writing and rewriting, but not posting.  I asked myself, “Why was I so bothered by this comedian’s words, when I really liked her?”….  Maybe that’s why I was bothered.  I liked her, I agreed with her perspectives on feminism and on how Asian men can be underrated.  But, I was really bothered by her comments about racism.  She made a joke about how her mother doesn’t have any black friends, and that “life is not Rush Hour the movie.”  She also said that she thinks people should marry within their own race so they can “go home and be racist together.”  I am married to an amazing Korean man 😘.  We feel the sting of racism from all sides, whether it’s being excluded from family functions or the general ice that we sometimes get when we’re out in public.  I think that Ali Wong’s words struck a nerve because my in-laws’ racism has sometimes been downplayed and tolerated among our family and friends because it’s “cultural.”  When did cultural racism become okay?  I wish that someone Asian would stand up and say, “You know what, it’s not okay!”  

I am half white and half black.  Growing up, I verbally identified myself as black.  That’s how I saw myself, and that’s what society and my family told me that I was.   Back then, being overtly racist against black people was not something acceptable in main stream media or society.  But it seems like something has changed.  Now, it almost feels like being racist against black and brown (Latino) people is seen as acceptable.  That really scares me.  I now identify myself as mixed race black and white.  In college, I began to challenge the label of black, because I am, in fact, half white.  I immediately got a lot of resistance from my black friends.  They couldn’t understand why I would not want to be called black.  In fact, one took offense and said I was trying to be white.  Being white was not what I wanted, I just wanted to be recognized for who and what I truly am, and not be made to fit into someone else’s label of me.

It’s been getting even more complicated for me as I’m filling out forms for my son’s school.  I’m forced to choose one primary race for him and then allowed to add multiple secondary races.   My husband and I decided to go with Korean, since our son is 1/2 Korean, 1/4 black and 1/4 white.  But, Korean is not what he identifies with.  My children almost never hear Korean spoken, I don’t cook Korean food, and my husband’s parents disowned us when we got married.  In fact, The first time I ever spoke to my mother-in-law was after my son was born and we’d been married almost 3 years.  Even after that, neither my son or I were allowed to speak with or meet his grandfather until my son was 3 years-old.    My husband and I continued to send cards and money $$$ to them every Birthday and holiday during the time we were cut off.  Even now, the relationship that we have with his family is rocky at best.

My son also doesn’t look very Korean.  He looks like a handsome African American young man with Asian eyes.  He calls himself brown skinned and part Korean, but I don’t think he would identify himself as Korean, nor would he identify himself as black or white.  This makes perfect sense to me, because none of those labels are what he is.  I am confused by our societies obsession with separating races.  I don’t see the need to choose a race to identify as in the first place.  It seems like an idea that a mono-raced person came up with.  To me, as a multi-raced person, it seems completely nonsensical.  It’s like asking me whether I identify myself as a mother, or a daughter, or a wife.  The answer would be all of the above.  It would be silly for me to have to choose one primary relationship and then list the rest as secondary.😔  Why is our society so race obsessed?

blogging, Call of the Universe, faith, Fear, God, higher power, know thyself, Self acceptance, self esteem, self expression, spiritual awakening, the power of media

Letting Go

6/1/16
I decided to start this blog after a suggestion by my therapist to write and blog about my perspective and experience.  It’s scary to put my thoughts out there to the public.   I guess, as my good friend explained it, I’m hoping to find others who can identify with my journey.  Not just people who look like me, or are in the same type of situation as me, but those who can relate in some way or another.  This started as a private journal.  Just a way to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I’m feeling a great fear of offending someone, a fear of being attacked or misunderstood, and a great fear of being rejected and ridiculed.  But, I’m deciding to move forward on faith. To listen to the Universe’s call, and to let go of my need to play it safe and protect myself from the things that I fear.   So I’m diving in, well, as soon as I can figure out how to start a blog through my iPhone😆.