12 step, Addiction, codependency, denial, energy, facing the truth, letting go, poem, poetry

Like a Drug

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Like a drug
Your love
It knocks me down
Puts me in withdrawal
Sends me high
Flying
Then I believe it’s worth it all
Like a drug
Your love
It inches away my life
Saps me of my energy
Leaves me desperate and lonely
Like a drug
I should quit you
And it will never feel good to do it
And when you tempt me
With your presence
I should resist
Without you life is mundane
With you it’s insane
Loving and hating
Will we ever stop this crazy game
acceptance, awake, Call of the Universe, Change the world, Clarity, Community, compassion, connection, Consciousness, deflation of ego, denial, ego, facing the truth, Family of origin, hiding, honesty, humanity, inner child, insecure attachment, isolation, law of attraction, letting go, living authentically, loneliness, memoirs, mental illness, mentally ill parent, one human family, one human race, one humanity, overcoming fear, parent with mental illness, poem, poetry, Positive Affirmations, positive thinking, raised by grandparents, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Self-love, shame, social stigma, spiritual awakening, surrender, terminal uniqueness, trapped, trauma, Tribe, truth, unity, Universe, use your voice, Utopia society, vulnerability, Vulnerability is not weakness, woke

Secrets

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3/4/17

Why do we hide
What’s truly inside
Pretending that we’re all the same?
But what we don’t know
Until we let it go
Is we are all truly the same.

 

 

 

facing the truth, Instagram

@browncurlycute


10/28/16

Browncurlycute doesn’t raise her voice at her kids.  She would never overreact when they do something that triggers a past trauma or a future fear.  She doesn’t struggle with these human fallacies because she doesn’t fear the consequences of the things that might go wrong if her children don’t listen to her.  Why should she fear these things? She’s decided to let go of perfectionism.  Browncurlycute can do anything she wants.  She’s practically all powerful.  She can have any man she wants, well almost.  She smart and funny and cool and so well liked, and hated.  But it’s all good for her, cause at least she’s noticed.  Browncurlycute matters to people.  
 
Don’t judge her too harshly – I’m speaking to to me here.  Judgment and condemnation would be the all too familiar way for me to look at myself.  No, there was never an intention to be fake or false, or even to hide.  In fact, it was the opposite.  For the first time, I felt like I could say things that I would be too afraid to say to anyone but my therapist or husband or closest friends. The anonymity of Browncurlycute gave me the freedom to say whatever was on my heart.  To spread my wings and put myself out there in ways that I would be terrified to do in my real life.
I’m grateful for Browncurlycute.  She allowed me to test the waters.  To see what it feels like to be brave, to be rebellious, to be honest.  Because of Browncurlycute, I was able to get the help that I needed in my real life.  Help for issues that I might otherwise have never uncovered.
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Fantasy

10/26/16
Trapped

Alone
Isolated
Hopeless
This is when I turn to you
Fantasy
You give me
Comfort
Pleasure
Significance
Connection
Confidence
How can this be?
Fantasy
You are only an illusion
All In my head
Moving my heart
Disconnecting me from my present
Blocking me from my responsibilities
Numbing me not only to my pain,
But to those I love
Fantasy
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All In 100%

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10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.