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Valentine’s Day

Opening up my heart again,
Damn!
Will I ever let you in?
Can I trust you?
I guess we’ll see.
Is it worth it, meant to be?
Your love cast a spell on me
But I’m wiser now,
I know how to break free.
This is it
Your last chance.
I’ll do my part
The best I can.
I’ll trust my God
Over you
Over me
Universe pulling us each
to our individual destiny.
acceptance, blog, blogger, blogging, choices, Clarity, codependency, connection, dealing with emotions, divorce, emotional affair, Emotions, escaping reality, facing the truth, faith, First things first, God, healing, higher power, honesty, insecure attachment, know thyself, let go and let God, letting go, loneliness, loss, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memories, obsessive thoughts, one day at a time, reality, Self acceptance, self awareness, Sitting with the pain, spiritual journey, sponsor, sponsorship, surrender, therapy, Thy will be done, transformation, trapped, trusting God, Universe, writing

All In 100%

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10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.

 

divorce, emotional affair, grief, inner child, marriage, The Accountant

Just a Movie

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10/15/16
I saw an amazing and touching movie tonight, The Accountant.  It stirred up so many positive and negative emotions in me that I feel the need to write about it.

The movie centered around the life of a man who had found a way to cope with, and overcome his challenges.  He was even able to turn his differences or weaknesses into strengths.
I was moved by the grit and tenacity of the main character, by the love and loyalty of his father, and by the main character’s desire to make connections and give back to the people around him.
My heart was also stirred by an African American woman main character.  Throughout the movie, I couldn’t decide whether I liked her or disliked her.  I was also completely aware that this had absolutely nothing to do with her acting abilities or her character’s role in the movie.  Her character was written very positively, and she played the role beautifully.  No, my issue was with the feelings inside me stirred by seeing a young, beautiful, successful black woman with a bright career ahead of her.  It poked at my own feelings of regret and failure over choices and circumstances that have led to me not fulfilling my own dreams and potential.  Her character also was a reminder of the rejection I often feel from black women.  By the end of the movie, I had decided to like her, because not liking her was giving in to my lower self.  But now, hours later, I’m still triggered by those feelings of failure, regret and rejection.

Today, I suggested to my husband that we go to a movie for our date night.  This had little to do with wanting to see a movie and everything to do with not feeling ready to sit across the table and talk.  In fact, it’s been a couple of weeks since we’ve had anything close to a connecting talk.  I had expressed to him that I needed space, and despite his resistance to it, I’ve been asserting my need in this area.  We are supposed to be starting marriage counseling soon, so hopefully that will bring some change, clarity and direction for the future of our marriage.

There was one more part of the movie that touched me, hurt me, and really made me think about the importance of meaningful connections.  There was a point in the movie where the main character gave something to someone, and it showed that he cared, but also that he really understood this person on a deep level.  I realized as I watched that scene, that being understood and cherished is something that I deeply desire, something that feels missing in my marriage.  I was painfully reminded of the person whom I was drawn to online.  I think a couple of reasons I felt drawn to that person was because I felt cared about and I felt understood.  That meant something to me, and I realized today that those are some of the important qualities that I desire in a relationship.