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God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

anon 12 step program, choices, codependency, connection, divorce, emotional affair, Esther Perel, Friendship, higher power, law of attraction, let go and let God, letting go, living authentically, love, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, poem, poetry, Rethinking Infidelity, Ted Talks, Uncategorized

Valentine’s Day

Opening up my heart again,
Damn!
Will I ever let you in?
Can I trust you?
I guess we’ll see.
Is it worth it, meant to be?
Your love cast a spell on me
But I’m wiser now,
I know how to break free.
This is it
Your last chance.
I’ll do my part
The best I can.
I’ll trust my God
Over you
Over me
Universe pulling us each
to our individual destiny.
Bi polar type 2, divorce, isolation, loneliness, marriage therapy

Loneliness

1/18/17
Loneliness

What does it look like to be free of you?
What does it feel like to be ok, alone?
That ache in my chest
It begins inside of me.
Why do I feel it as soon as I leave your presence?
Sometimes, it’s there when I’m right next to you.
Breakfast with a friend,
You and me talking about our days, 
Fellowship meetings,
Getting little love bouquets. 
If I’m so lonely with you here
How will I stand it when you’re gone?
Loneliness 
It begins inside of me.

Is this loneliness, or is this sadness?
Does this feeling have anything to do with you?
Or anyone?
Loneliness 
It begins inside of me.
acceptance, Clarity, dealing with emotions, deflation of ego, divorce, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, therapy, transformation

Clarity

12/30/16

I’m learning to sit with my feelings, observe them, and then just let them be.  I don’t mean just sitting around and feeling.  I mean being aware of what I’m feeling inside as I go through my daily tasks, as I interact with others, and in times when I’m alone.  I’ve been told that this is the only way I will be able to see the truth about my marriage and my true feelings towards my husband.
I’m not used to doing this at all, and it’s really uncomfortable.  I’m usually operating on the surface level by reacting to my situations with anger, fear, or more anger.  Recently, I’ve been learning to be more responsive than reactive.  As I take the responsibility to respond to my own needs, and at the same time try to offer compassion to others, I’m less ruled by anger and fear.
What’s left behind are the lower level feelings.  I’m often finding that I’m feeling happy, sad, content, discontent, engaged, bored, etc.
As I observe my feelings, if they are good feelings, I try to focus in more on what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with.  I try to get more engaged and fully embrace that moment.
When I’m feeling discontent, bored, or lonely… if I’m in a healthy place, I try to observe the feeling and just let it be.  If I’m having a hard time doing that, I try to turn to self-care.  I do this because this is usually the point when I’m drawn to try to fix the feeling in some way.  Sometimes, I fix my feelings in healthy ways and sometimes unhealthy ways.  I don’t think it’s bad or wrong to turn to healthy options to make oneself feel better, this is just something new that I’m practicing to allow myself to actually sit with and feel my uncomfortable emotions.
The hardest part is when I’m feeling sadness.  It’s definitely the most uncomfortable to sit with, and seem to last the longest.
I’ve really only been doing this for about a week, but something amazing is happening. I’m starting to get more clarity.  I’m starting to understand how I feel around certain people and when I’m doing certain things.  I don’t have all my answers yet, but the fog, the confusion and the craziness seems to be melting away.  It’s humbling to see what I’m left with, but it’s also freeing.
divorce, isolation, marriage

One Day at a Time 11/28/16

11/28/16

Last night my husband took responsibility and apologized for the first time in two years for deep hurts that he’s caused in our marriage.  He did this with tears, honesty and love.  This came after many weeks, months, years of me pushing him away in every way I could.  This included giving my heart to another man, looking to men outside of my marriage for validation, telling my husband that I’m not attracted to him and that I don’t want to be with him anymore.  I pushed him away physically and emotionally…  But he knows me, and he sees me.  He refused to let me go, and maybe that’s exactly what I need.
Earlier that night, we fought, like we have been for the past few weeks over him trying to connect with me and me pushing him away.  But, this time was different.  I stood looking at him across our kitchen counter and for one of the few times in our marriage, I had nothing to say.   All I could do was stand there looking at him and nodding my head as his word washed over me, as he confronted me on my isolation and my attempts to push away his love.  I knew in my heart that he was right.  I was afraid of real intimacy with him because I had been hurt by him and I didn’t want to be hurt again.

We have a long way to go on our road to healing and health in our marriage, but we are taking the steps and I now have hope that we may be able to get there.

 

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All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.