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Perfection

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2/24/17

As I sit and feel the sadness
That I’ve been so desperately trying to escape
I know it comes from deep within
My muscles
My joints
They hold this heartache.
It tells me lies that feel so true
You are not enough
They don’t want you,
Your body
Your mind
Your personality
Your brown skin.
At 42 with two young children,
Prepare to be alone forever.
That’s the message I see when I look out
That’s the message I hear when I look within.
Storms
I’ve been warned that they are coming
I’ve been encouraged that I’m strong enough to face them.
Fear, sadness and guilt have kept me frozen.
But you deserve more than that,
And I want more too.

acceptance, Clarity, dealing with emotions, deflation of ego, divorce, marriage, marriage therapy, memoirs, therapy, transformation

Clarity

12/30/16

I’m learning to sit with my feelings, observe them, and then just let them be.  I don’t mean just sitting around and feeling.  I mean being aware of what I’m feeling inside as I go through my daily tasks, as I interact with others, and in times when I’m alone.  I’ve been told that this is the only way I will be able to see the truth about my marriage and my true feelings towards my husband.
I’m not used to doing this at all, and it’s really uncomfortable.  I’m usually operating on the surface level by reacting to my situations with anger, fear, or more anger.  Recently, I’ve been learning to be more responsive than reactive.  As I take the responsibility to respond to my own needs, and at the same time try to offer compassion to others, I’m less ruled by anger and fear.
What’s left behind are the lower level feelings.  I’m often finding that I’m feeling happy, sad, content, discontent, engaged, bored, etc.
As I observe my feelings, if they are good feelings, I try to focus in more on what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with.  I try to get more engaged and fully embrace that moment.
When I’m feeling discontent, bored, or lonely… if I’m in a healthy place, I try to observe the feeling and just let it be.  If I’m having a hard time doing that, I try to turn to self-care.  I do this because this is usually the point when I’m drawn to try to fix the feeling in some way.  Sometimes, I fix my feelings in healthy ways and sometimes unhealthy ways.  I don’t think it’s bad or wrong to turn to healthy options to make oneself feel better, this is just something new that I’m practicing to allow myself to actually sit with and feel my uncomfortable emotions.
The hardest part is when I’m feeling sadness.  It’s definitely the most uncomfortable to sit with, and seem to last the longest.
I’ve really only been doing this for about a week, but something amazing is happening. I’m starting to get more clarity.  I’m starting to understand how I feel around certain people and when I’m doing certain things.  I don’t have all my answers yet, but the fog, the confusion and the craziness seems to be melting away.  It’s humbling to see what I’m left with, but it’s also freeing.
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Fantasy

10/26/16
Trapped

Alone
Isolated
Hopeless
This is when I turn to you
Fantasy
You give me
Comfort
Pleasure
Significance
Connection
Confidence
How can this be?
Fantasy
You are only an illusion
All In my head
Moving my heart
Disconnecting me from my present
Blocking me from my responsibilities
Numbing me not only to my pain,
But to those I love
Fantasy
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All In 100%

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10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.