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God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

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Secrets

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3/4/17

Why do we hide
What’s truly inside
Pretending that we’re all the same?
But what we don’t know
Until we let it go
Is we are all truly the same.

 

 

 

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Wabi Sabi: The Beauty of Imperfection

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On my journey of self-acceptance, I’m trying to embrace the concept that we are all the same. I am no better and no worse than anyone else. I am human, perfectly imperfect. This concept usually comes up for me when I start getting super hard on myself for my mistakes.

I’ve mentioned before that I have issues with timeliness. I mean, this dates back to grade school for me, and I really have to plan things out and focus, to make it on time to just about anything. It’s so bad, that my kids don’t know what to do with themselves when we actually get somewhere early and have to wait. We’re usually rushing in at the last minute and barely making it on time, or just late. Like most people, running late gets me really anxious and worried.

I’ve started incorporating some of the Reiki precepts I’m learning into my morning meditation time. The prayer that I’ve learned from Reiki goes like this, “Just for today, do not anger, do not worry, be thankful, do what you are meant to do, be kind to others.”

I recently had the special privilege of asking a prominent Reiki teacher about these precepts and the focus on anger and worry embedded in the prayer. I have been learning about the law of attraction and the power of my words and thoughts to manifest what I speak and think. I questioned the use of “anger” and “worry” in relation to this concept of attraction. I had even gone as far as to create my own “positive” version of the Reiki prayer. 😂smh. I guess this tells you what kind of student I am. Anyway, I’m really glad I was able to ask this teacher my question because his answer gave me a whole new understanding. He explained that unlike affirmations, the Reiki precepts were more like guiding rules for life. For example the precept, do not anger can be a reminder for me when I feel anger coming up to question that anger. Where is it coming from? Why is it there? Does the anger serve me? And then to be able to let the anger go. This is different from an affirmation which may help me in the moment to turn away from the anger, but may not allow me the space to examine and release the source of the anger. I was able to apply his explanation the very next day.

After spending my morning meditation focusing on mindful breathing, Reiki precepts and grounding, I got my kids ready for school. Needless to say, the time management just wasn’t there this particular morning and we were running late. The problem for me is not getting up on time, because I’m actually up very early, it’s more of a focus and time management issue. I’ve been really good recently with getting my son to school on time using positive affirmations. I literally say “We are going to be on time to Ms.__’s class today,” about 50 times from the time they wake up until I drop him off at school. And it’s been working. We’ve been on time every day for quite a while now. But this particular morning we left extra late. I still used my affirmations and it worked! There were almost no cars on the road and I pretty much drove like a maniac the whole way there.

But, on the way home as I thought about the collateral damage of our morning commute, in flooded the feelings of self-condemnation. Thinking about the Reiki precepts helped me work through the guilt I was feeling. I felt guilty because I spent the entire 25 minute (normally 35 minute) drive to school filled with worry and anger. When my kids tried to talk to me, I told them I couldn’t talk to them because I needed to focus on the road and get there on time. I also drove pretty crazy, which I know scares my kids. I even honked at a lady for fluffing her hair in the mirror instead of driving. My kids, like me are both highly sensitive, so I’m sure that they were very affected by the worry and anger energy I was emoting. My son even asked me, “Who do you love the most God, other people, or yourself?” I told him, “I don’t know, I can’t answer that right now, I have to focus on the road.” Theses were the guilty feelings I drove home with, wondering how my children were handling their school experience after all that negative energy. Wondering if my son would ever ask me that question again and care about my answer.

It was during this time that I started thinking about how I had prayed earlier “do not anger and do not worry”. I started to ask myself why I was worried. I was able to acknowledge that the worry did not serve me at all. I could have made it to school on time without any worry or anger and I could have given my children a different start to their day (and the lady I honked at). And myself…. that worry and anger hurt me most of all.

As I examined the source of the worry, I realized it had nothing to do with my son and his needs. The truth is that I was worried about being judged as a parent by people at the school and I was worried that their negative opinion of me would lead to negative actions against me. I was giving these people more power over my life than my Higher Power.

At the end of it all, I was left with my feelings of guilt and shame. This is where compassion for myself has to come into the picture. It’s easier for me to offer myself compassion when I can remember the Japanese concept of wabi sabi, the beauty of imperfection. It reminds me that being an imperfect human is what makes me perfect. My imperfections accentuate my humanness and the acceptance of my own humanness allows me to love and honor the humanness in others.

I am no better or worse than anyone else, and the same can be said for us all. We are all perfectly imperfect in our own way.

This gives me hope for humanity. Just as I can reach across the aisle and change my mind about someone or love someone who seems to be an enemy, so can everyone else.

If we can see and accept our own imperfections, there is hope that we can have compassion for the imperfections of others.

We can stop seeing each other through the eyes of judgement and allow ourselves to be surprised by beauty that exists in every living being. I know this begins with me.

I want to be surprised.

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Taking Care of Me

6/3/16
It feels good to take care of myself.  I recently started swimming with my kids and it’s been amazing… except for the part about feeling like a bag lady with all of the gear, and forgetting our things everywhere…. even in the pool.  Over the past week, we’ve lost my son’s swim goggles, left his rash guard behind in the pool for a few hours, and even left the gym with all of our floaty gear still in the locker (unlocked).  Oh yeah, we drove back for it later that evening and it was still there!  Yay!😃   It felt really good to go back and find our things still there.  Not only because they were expensive, but because I put them in the locker and and left it unlocked while the locker room was jam packed with people.  I even noticed someone watching me do it, and I thought, “Should I be worried?” and then thought, “Oh well, I guess I’ll find out.”  I left it in God’s hands.  There’s something really special to me about putting myself out there, leaving the lock off, and trusting the people around me to be good, and having them come through.  Thinking about locks makes me think of a time, or a place where people leave their doors unlocked and feel safe and secure in their homes.  Maybe their strong feelings of safety attract safety and security into their lives.  I dream of living in a world like that🌅.  At the gym, I did have a lock, and I did use it on another locker housing my purse.  The problem was I only had one lock and two lockers full of stuff.  I suppose this was an exercise in trust especially designed for me.  I kind of didn’t have a choice in the matter, so I guess my trust muscles must be pretty small at the moment😜.  Today, I also took more chances to open myself up to people.  I smiled more, said “Hi”, and even started conversations with strangers.  The overwhelming majority of the responses I received from others were positive.   When I left the gym today, I felt tired (but good tired), I felt confident, and I felt like I belonged.  What a wonderful feeling.

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Haunting Words

5/27/16
The words “person of filth,” that I heard on the show, The Mindy Project, came back to me today as I was getting ready.  I thought about how I’m super conscientious of how I look and my hygiene all the time.  I feel like I’m constantly trying to prove to myself, and to others, “See, I’m clean, I’m put together, I’m sharp, I’m hip, I’m (fill in the blank).”  It was a lot easier to keep up that “perfect standard” before I had kids.  Now, with a preschooler and a soon-to-start kindergartener, I’m finding it impossible to keep up that vigilant perfectly manicured look and life.  In fact, it’s the opposite, my house is a disaster, half the time I’m lucky if I can squeeze in a shower before the sun goes down.  Make up, styled hair, wrinkle free clothes… all out the window.  And my life is like that cause I’m a great mom, I choose to put my kids need first… their breakfast, lunch, dinner, clean clothes, clean sheets, lessons, classes, play dates, play time with mommy, cuddles, teaching, discipline, you name it.  I feel like I’m like all of the other moms I see when we’re at karate class, or mommy and me ballet, or swimming lessons, soccer, the library, the beach, or the grocery store.  But, when I see them without makeup, or hair looking just thrown up, or clothes looking mom-ish, I just think, “Oh, that’s just because they’re a good mom.”   I wonder why I feel like I have to fight so hard against being considered dirty or filthy or base.  Don’t all people get dirty?  Why has this label been put on black people? Do some of us have skin that gets more oily?  Are our dead skin cells darker? Do we sometimes need to avoid getting our hair wet to preserve the oils in our hair and scalp or to preserve an expensive or time consuming hair style?  Do those things make us filthy or just different?

I want to live in a world where difference is observed, respected, and even appreciated. I see it like marriage.  My minister called it the ABC’s and 123’s.  That the ABC’s are what you love about your spouse and the 123’s are the things that bother you.  They are the two sides to the same coin.  So in my marriage, my husband loves that I’m ambitious, vulnerable and sexy.  But he gets bothered by the fact that I can be bossy (he calls it my “drill sergeant mode” or “going on a rampage,”) I can be very sensitive and need to “talk” A LOT, and I can take forever to get ready or do my beauty regimes on the weekends making us late all the time.  Of course, he has his ABC’s and 123’s too.  We try to celebrate the ABC’s and manage the 123’s.  But they don’t really go away cause it’s who we are, and it’s a part of what we love.

Can’t we take that a step further to people as a whole, to groups, cultures, races, etc?  I want to live in a world where we love and respect each other enough to try to look past the 123’s and observe, even enjoy the ABC’s.  A world of love, acceptance and community.