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God Thing


Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
Weโ€™re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

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Why do we hide
What’s truly inside
Pretending that we’re all the same?
But what we don’t know
Until we let it go
Is we are all truly the same.




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As I sit and feel the sadness
That I’ve been so desperately trying to escape
I know it comes from deep within
My muscles
My joints
They hold this heartache.
It tells me lies that feel so true
You are not enough
They don’t want you,
Your body
Your mind
Your personality
Your brown skin.
At 42 with two young children,
Prepare to be alone forever.
That’s the message I see when I look out
That’s the message I hear when I look within.
I’ve been warned that they are coming
I’ve been encouraged that I’m strong enough to face them.
Fear, sadness and guilt have kept me frozen.
But you deserve more than that,
And I want more too.

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Taking Care of Me

It feels good to take care of myself.  I recently started swimming with my kids and it’s been amazing… except for the part about feeling like a bag lady with all of the gear, and forgetting our things everywhere…. even in the pool.  Over the past week, we’ve lost my son’s swim goggles, left his rash guard behind in the pool for a few hours, and even left the gym with all of our floaty gear still in the locker (unlocked).  Oh yeah, we drove back for it later that evening and it was still there!  Yay!๐Ÿ˜ƒ   It felt really good to go back and find our things still there.  Not only because they were expensive, but because I put them in the locker and and left it unlocked while the locker room was jam packed with people.  I even noticed someone watching me do it, and I thought, “Should I be worried?” and then thought, “Oh well, I guess I’ll find out.”  I left it in God’s hands.  There’s something really special to me about putting myself out there, leaving the lock off, and trusting the people around me to be good, and having them come through.  Thinking about locks makes me think of a time, or a place where people leave their doors unlocked and feel safe and secure in their homes.  Maybe their strong feelings of safety attract safety and security into their lives.  I dream of living in a world like that๐ŸŒ….  At the gym, I did have a lock, and I did use it on another locker housing my purse.  The problem was I only had one lock and two lockers full of stuff.  I suppose this was an exercise in trust especially designed for me.  I kind of didn’t have a choice in the matter, so I guess my trust muscles must be pretty small at the moment๐Ÿ˜œ.  Today, I also took more chances to open myself up to people.  I smiled more, said “Hi”, and even started conversations with strangers.  The overwhelming majority of the responses I received from others were positive.   When I left the gym today, I felt tired (but good tired), I felt confident, and I felt like I belonged.  What a wonderful feeling.

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Letting Go

I decided to start this blog after a suggestion by my therapist to write and blog about my perspective and experience.  It’s scary to put my thoughts out there to the public.   I guess, as my good friend explained it, I’m hoping to find others who can identify with my journey.  Not just people who look like me, or are in the same type of situation as me, but those who can relate in some way or another.  This started as a private journal.  Just a way to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I’m feeling a great fear of offending someone, a fear of being attacked or misunderstood, and a great fear of being rejected and ridiculed.  But, I’m deciding to move forward on faith. To listen to the Universe’s call, and to let go of my need to play it safe and protect myself from the things that I fear.   So I’m diving in, well, as soon as I can figure out how to start a blog through my iPhone๐Ÿ˜†.