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Women’s Sexual Health

12/26/19

**WARNING: The content of this post is a bit graphic and may some people uncomfortable.

As the anniversary of my past marriage comes to a close, I find myself feeling the need to write about women’s sexual health.  
It started a few weeks ago, when I realized that the sex toy my ex-husband bought for us years prior, didn’t just need new batteries, it was dying.  Oh no!  How was I going to get another one of these?  Should I use Amazon?  Then, the purchase would ever haunt me in my Amazon Prime purchase history.  What if the box that arrives is not as inconspicuous as I would like? Will my neighbors know what I’m buying? No, I definitely need to go to the store for this one.  
At first I was in denial.  I thought I might be able to eek out the last bit of power from my dying vibrator.  Eventually, I had to come to terms with some fears and old mental programming that was now standing in the way of me caring for myself.  
I remembered the words spoken to me by a previous therapist. She asked me to consider, when my own daughter becomes of age, would I want her to feel that she should have sex with someone even if she doesn’t want to, because she believed self-stimulation was wrong.  We were discussing my own question about the morality and health of self-stimulation, versus unhealthy choices I had made in the past.
As I remembered that talk, I wondered where my shame around this issue came from. I feel completely fine and free when it comes to sex in marriage and outside of marriage.  I even felt comfortable and open to the idea of same sex and group sex.  I don’t bat an eye at the mention of men masturbating to naked images, but the idea of a single woman (me) masturbating seemed disgraceful, like I must be a loser. “Why do I feel this way?” I wondered.
I did some soul searching.  I dealt with my demons, and released the religious Cool-Aid I drank in the past.  I checked with Google, and according to Web MD, self-stimulation is healthy for women and recommended for increased sexual and emotional health.  
Armed with my new beliefs and a few crystals, I got in the car and headed to Walgreens.  I must admit, I had more butterflies in my stomach than I’ve had in a long time.  I made sure to bring in my own bag, so I didn’t have to endure the embarrassment of having my sexual health products sit on the counter while I paid, and the people behind me watched.  
But first, I had to get to the isle.  I’m not gonna lie, I almost chickened out a couple of times.  I nervously did an extra lap around the store, and finally stood in front of the lubricating gel selection.  I was surprised that all of the sex toy paraphernalia was sold out.  I was slightly relived and also disappointed.  
I got stuck in the isle because  people kept walking by me. I didn’t want to just grab it right in of them.  Then, a family, with a mother, father and toddler son, came and stood next to me, and wouldn’t leave.  The mom went looking in another isle, but the dad and son remained.  I stood there staring down at the Monistat 7 collection, too embarrassed to grab the Astroglide until they walked away.  When I finally got to the checkout line, no one else was around, phew!  The checker was totally cool, he didn’t make me feel weird at all.  In fact, he joked that he was gonna charge me double because I brought in a Target bag into Wallgreens.  He made me laugh, and that broke the tension.  
Back in my car, it was on to Target.  I wasn’t gonna give up now.  At Target, they had exactly what I wanted. But, the lines were long and crowded.  I went to what looked like a shorter line, and then I saw the golden lights of self-checkout. (Ahhhh.) I felt like the heavens had parted.  Within three minutes, I was back in my car without anyone even noticing what I bought.  
I was proud of myself.  I felt like a real woman.  I was officially not a kid.  I had the guts and confidence to walk into Target and buy myself a vibrator for my sexual and emotional health.  
Sadly, when I got home and opened the box, I found an empty ripped plastic bag inside. Someone, who probably didn’t want to go through the social stigma of buying it, had stolen it.
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God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

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Fantasy

10/26/16
Trapped

Alone
Isolated
Hopeless
This is when I turn to you
Fantasy
You give me
Comfort
Pleasure
Significance
Connection
Confidence
How can this be?
Fantasy
You are only an illusion
All In my head
Moving my heart
Disconnecting me from my present
Blocking me from my responsibilities
Numbing me not only to my pain,
But to those I love
Fantasy
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All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.

 

Ali Wong: Baby Cobra, black, black Asian family, blasian, blogging, courage, eracism, Fear, isolation, mixed race, multi-racial, one human family, one human race, one humanity, racism, terminal uniqueness

Terrified

6/9/16
I felt terrified of putting myself out there in this blog after watching a comedy show, Ali Wong: Baby Cobra.  I thought her show was really funny and I agreed with a lot of her perspectives. But, I was again left thinking, “Maybe there just aren’t other people that can relate to me.”  Those familiar feelings of isolation came flooding back in, like I’m the only one who can understand, or even have compassion for my situation.  I’ve heard it referred to as terminal uniqueness.  The fear started to stifle me again.

I kept writing and rewriting, but not posting.  I asked myself, “Why was I so bothered by this comedian’s words, when I really liked her?”….  Maybe that’s why I was bothered.  I liked her, I agreed with her perspectives on feminism and on how Asian men can be underrated.  But, I was really bothered by her comments about racism.  She made a joke about how her mother doesn’t have any black friends, and that “life is not Rush Hour the movie.”  She also said that she thinks people should marry within their own race so they can “go home and be racist together.”  I am married to an amazing Korean man 😘.  We feel the sting of racism from all sides, whether it’s being excluded from family functions or the general ice that we sometimes get when we’re out in public.  I think that Ali Wong’s words struck a nerve because my in-laws’ racism has sometimes been downplayed and tolerated among our family and friends because it’s “cultural.”  When did cultural racism become okay?  I wish that someone Asian would stand up and say, “You know what, it’s not okay!”  

I am half white and half black.  Growing up, I verbally identified myself as black.  That’s how I saw myself, and that’s what society and my family told me that I was.   Back then, being overtly racist against black people was not something acceptable in main stream media or society.  But it seems like something has changed.  Now, it almost feels like being racist against black and brown (Latino) people is seen as acceptable.  That really scares me.  I now identify myself as mixed race black and white.  In college, I began to challenge the label of black, because I am, in fact, half white.  I immediately got a lot of resistance from my black friends.  They couldn’t understand why I would not want to be called black.  In fact, one took offense and said I was trying to be white.  Being white was not what I wanted, I just wanted to be recognized for who and what I truly am, and not be made to fit into someone else’s label of me.

It’s been getting even more complicated for me as I’m filling out forms for my son’s school.  I’m forced to choose one primary race for him and then allowed to add multiple secondary races.   My husband and I decided to go with Korean, since our son is 1/2 Korean, 1/4 black and 1/4 white.  But, Korean is not what he identifies with.  My children almost never hear Korean spoken, I don’t cook Korean food, and my husband’s parents disowned us when we got married.  In fact, The first time I ever spoke to my mother-in-law was after my son was born and we’d been married almost 3 years.  Even after that, neither my son or I were allowed to speak with or meet his grandfather until my son was 3 years-old.    My husband and I continued to send cards and money $$$ to them every Birthday and holiday during the time we were cut off.  Even now, the relationship that we have with his family is rocky at best.

My son also doesn’t look very Korean.  He looks like a handsome African American young man with Asian eyes.  He calls himself brown skinned and part Korean, but I don’t think he would identify himself as Korean, nor would he identify himself as black or white.  This makes perfect sense to me, because none of those labels are what he is.  I am confused by our societies obsession with separating races.  I don’t see the need to choose a race to identify as in the first place.  It seems like an idea that a mono-raced person came up with.  To me, as a multi-raced person, it seems completely nonsensical.  It’s like asking me whether I identify myself as a mother, or a daughter, or a wife.  The answer would be all of the above.  It would be silly for me to have to choose one primary relationship and then list the rest as secondary.😔  Why is our society so race obsessed?

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Letting Go

6/1/16
I decided to start this blog after a suggestion by my therapist to write and blog about my perspective and experience.  It’s scary to put my thoughts out there to the public.   I guess, as my good friend explained it, I’m hoping to find others who can identify with my journey.  Not just people who look like me, or are in the same type of situation as me, but those who can relate in some way or another.  This started as a private journal.  Just a way to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I’m feeling a great fear of offending someone, a fear of being attacked or misunderstood, and a great fear of being rejected and ridiculed.  But, I’m deciding to move forward on faith. To listen to the Universe’s call, and to let go of my need to play it safe and protect myself from the things that I fear.   So I’m diving in, well, as soon as I can figure out how to start a blog through my iPhone😆.