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God Thing

12/17/17

Just like he,
I was created to be a conduit
Of creativity
It flows through me.

And your love,
I was created for it to flow through me
Endlessly,
For me to give and receive.

Spit apart,
Torn from the whole,
We’re one and the same
You and me.

I now can see I once was up there with you.
You being God
And me being God.

Then I was cut out
Like a piece from a mound of clay
And I could see that others would follow
As I floated away.

And now I know why I am God
Because although I no longer see you
I saw us together and I saw us apart
My being is part of you.

You are the substance of me
And now I see
That God is not just in me
God is all of me.

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Fantasy

10/26/16
Trapped

Alone
Isolated
Hopeless
This is when I turn to you
Fantasy
You give me
Comfort
Pleasure
Significance
Connection
Confidence
How can this be?
Fantasy
You are only an illusion
All In my head
Moving my heart
Disconnecting me from my present
Blocking me from my responsibilities
Numbing me not only to my pain,
But to those I love
Fantasy
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All In 100%

IMG_8922

10/25/16
My friend was right.  The outer rings are where transformation takes place.  It’s so uncomfortable there that you can’t stay long.  You’re either moving in, back to healthy living and healthy choices.  Or your moving out, come what may.

I’ve been in the outer rings for almost a week now.   It’s been so painful, nearly unbearable.  But today, through many conversations I finally got the message.  I can’t be 100% all in for my marriage and hold on to my plan B at the same time.
I’ve decided that I owe it to myself and to my children to give the next 6 months of marriage therapy my 100%, to be all in on a heart level, no matter what the outcome.  I also realized today, that I’m gripping so tightly to my plan B, so afraid to let it go.  Why is that?  I don’t even know who he is.  I don’t know if he is available.  I don’t know if he’s safe or honest.  Maybe the whole experience was just a big joke on me, or worse, maybe it was just all in my head.   Yet, this connection (that most of the people in my life call a fantasy) has such a grip on my heart.  I guess therapy will help me uncover why.  I mean, what do I really hope to gain by pursuing this?
I’m praying to let go of my plan B.  Only then will I be able to fully give my marriage a chance to survive.  It takes me trusting God to bring into, and out of, my life exactly whom I need. Right now, God has brought my husband into my life.  My husband says that he is 100% all in to make our marriage work.
Thy will be done.