It’s funny how the guy at my pharmacy suddenly became super nice, ever since I got my new prescription filled…. the one that costs eight cents. He’s always been polite, but a bit checked out, the many times I’ve come to fill other prescriptions for my kids or myself. But, ever since this new prescription came through, he makes eye contact, smiles and is very friendly. I don’t know if it’s because he feels sorry for me, he’s scared of me, or he can relate. Whatever the case, I must admit I do appreciate his new level of warmth, because the whole experience is humiliating from beginning to end.
First, requesting my prescription and knowing that he knows what it is and why I need it. Then, pulling out my debit card to pay for it and remembering that it only costs eight cents. I guess they want to make sure that someone who needs this medicine would never not get it because of money. I should be grateful, right? And I am. I’m grateful to be known, even if it’s just by the pharmacy guy, and to still be liked, or at least treated like I matter. I’m grateful that I only have to pay eight cents, and I’m grateful that the medication is helping. I’m sleeping better, I’m waking up feeling rested, I feel more able to handle the daily tasks of life, and my paranoid and obsessive thinking is fading away and losing its hold. I am choosing to stay in reality, and I am seeing the good things in my reality every day.
My thoughts keep drifting back to this pharmacist, and why his kindness impacts me so much. I guess it has to do with my deep desire to live an authentic life. To be truly known, loved and accepted. I’m realizing that I don’t live authentically in my marriage. I’m afraid to tell my husband the full truth of my feelings because I’m afraid of the consequences. I’m afraid of losing the good things that I have, and that we have built together.
“I don’t have to like reality, I just have to accept it,” (A quote from a book that has helped me a lot recently.)
My health matters. I matter. My mental health matters. I say this because up to this moment my only real motivation for staying off-line has been my fear of not being able to care for my children. I love them so much and they are enough to keep me off of Instagram so far. But I’m miserable. I want to see that God is leading me to my greatest me. That I am enough to be the reason. That my health does matter. My sanity matters. I’m trying to trust my God. To believe that He has something wonderful and better for me. What I’m left with right now is not wonderful or better. I’m left with the misery of my unhappy marriage and the tug of the comfortable lifestyle that makes me keep settling.
I like who my husband and I are to the outside world as a couple. I like the money we make, the friends we have and the lifestyle we live. I like the fun that we can have when we do things together with the kids. My husband is a great and attentive dad. I like the way that he helps out with the kids and the chores; and I think about how hard it would be doing it all on my own.
As I’m writing these things about my husband I am feeling fearful, (I’m not sure of what) and I want to reach out this other man. I guess I look at him as my savior to rescue me from my husband and my marriage or at least distract me from my own misery.