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duality

Rage

Rage

Fire

Let it out

Let – it – burn

Don’t keep it inside

Anger

Frustration

Let it flow

Like water

Past the innocent stone

Seething

Clawing

Drowning

Choking

The dark side,

There in everyone

Hidden

Repressed

By our enslavement

To the light

To be kind

To shine

Like the moon in the sun

It makes us sick

It makes us snap

Manipulate

React

Attack

Open your throat

Let it out

But do it with consideration

The one in front of you

Need not be the target

Of your incineration

Uncategorized

Love Once Again

1/1/20
Our backs pressed together 
In the hot hot room 
Chasing away the cold
Of our lonely hearts

Holding you close

Lies and deceit

All that you’re hiding
Keeping us apart
Visions and truth
I loved in denial 
Desperate to feel your tender salve 
Still I hurt 
Just like I did then 
That empty hollow echo
Of longing within 
No longer bandaging the pain
I think I’m healing
I’m letting it breathe 
I know I will love
And be loved once again
blog, blogger, blogging, Brave, health, judgment, letting go, Self-love, sexuality, shame, taboo, Unstoppable, vulnerability, women’s health, women’s sexual health, writing

Women’s Sexual Health

12/26/19

**WARNING: The content of this post is a bit graphic and may some people uncomfortable.

As the anniversary of my past marriage comes to a close, I find myself feeling the need to write about women’s sexual health.  
It started a few weeks ago, when I realized that the sex toy my ex-husband bought for us years prior, didn’t just need new batteries, it was dying.  Oh no!  How was I going to get another one of these?  Should I use Amazon?  Then, the purchase would ever haunt me in my Amazon Prime purchase history.  What if the box that arrives is not as inconspicuous as I would like? Will my neighbors know what I’m buying? No, I definitely need to go to the store for this one.  
At first I was in denial.  I thought I might be able to eek out the last bit of power from my dying vibrator.  Eventually, I had to come to terms with some fears and old mental programming that was now standing in the way of me caring for myself.  
I remembered the words spoken to me by a previous therapist. She asked me to consider, when my own daughter becomes of age, would I want her to feel that she should have sex with someone even if she doesn’t want to, because she believed self-stimulation was wrong.  We were discussing my own question about the morality and health of self-stimulation, versus unhealthy choices I had made in the past.
As I remembered that talk, I wondered where my shame around this issue came from. I feel completely fine and free when it comes to sex in marriage and outside of marriage.  I even felt comfortable and open to the idea of same sex and group sex.  I don’t bat an eye at the mention of men masturbating to naked images, but the idea of a single woman (me) masturbating seemed disgraceful, like I must be a loser. “Why do I feel this way?” I wondered.
I did some soul searching.  I dealt with my demons, and released the religious Cool-Aid I drank in the past.  I checked with Google, and according to Web MD, self-stimulation is healthy for women and recommended for increased sexual and emotional health.  
Armed with my new beliefs and a few crystals, I got in the car and headed to Walgreens.  I must admit, I had more butterflies in my stomach than I’ve had in a long time.  I made sure to bring in my own bag, so I didn’t have to endure the embarrassment of having my sexual health products sit on the counter while I paid, and the people behind me watched.  
But first, I had to get to the isle.  I’m not gonna lie, I almost chickened out a couple of times.  I nervously did an extra lap around the store, and finally stood in front of the lubricating gel selection.  I was surprised that all of the sex toy paraphernalia was sold out.  I was slightly relived and also disappointed.  
I got stuck in the isle because  people kept walking by me. I didn’t want to just grab it right in of them.  Then, a family, with a mother, father and toddler son, came and stood next to me, and wouldn’t leave.  The mom went looking in another isle, but the dad and son remained.  I stood there staring down at the Monistat 7 collection, too embarrassed to grab the Astroglide until they walked away.  When I finally got to the checkout line, no one else was around, phew!  The checker was totally cool, he didn’t make me feel weird at all.  In fact, he joked that he was gonna charge me double because I brought in a Target bag into Wallgreens.  He made me laugh, and that broke the tension.  
Back in my car, it was on to Target.  I wasn’t gonna give up now.  At Target, they had exactly what I wanted. But, the lines were long and crowded.  I went to what looked like a shorter line, and then I saw the golden lights of self-checkout. (Ahhhh.) I felt like the heavens had parted.  Within three minutes, I was back in my car without anyone even noticing what I bought.  
I was proud of myself.  I felt like a real woman.  I was officially not a kid.  I had the guts and confidence to walk into Target and buy myself a vibrator for my sexual and emotional health.  
Sadly, when I got home and opened the box, I found an empty ripped plastic bag inside. Someone, who probably didn’t want to go through the social stigma of buying it, had stolen it.
12 step, Addiction, codependency, denial, energy, facing the truth, letting go, poem, poetry

Like a Drug

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Like a drug
Your love
It knocks me down
Puts me in withdrawal
Sends me high
Flying
Then I believe it’s worth it all
Like a drug
Your love
It inches away my life
Saps me of my energy
Leaves me desperate and lonely
Like a drug
I should quit you
And it will never feel good to do it
And when you tempt me
With your presence
I should resist
Without you life is mundane
With you it’s insane
Loving and hating
Will we ever stop this crazy game
Uncategorized

Holding Space

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6/5/18
Holding space,

Not saving face,

You killed me with your kind embrace,
Your eyes and with your heart.
The only one,
The lonely one,

Loving from worlds apart.

Now I know what it means,
To hold space for someone,
To believe in what is not seen,
And create the world.
And now I must do the same,
To imagine their smiles and remember their love.
To know that we will one day laugh again.
I’ll hold the space for you my friends.
Uncategorized

Love Waves

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4/1/18

Somebody’s sending me love tonight
I don’t know who
And I don’t know why
I’m afraid if I touch it then it won’t stay
So I carefully
Gently
Glance in its way

I’m also afraid of who it might be
If it is
If it isn’t
Either way, it scares me
I’m not afraid of him
I’m afraid of loving and losing
Afraid of the pain that comes
After each new reunion

Maybe it’s her
The one praying for me
Or maybe a friend
Sending me good energy
It could even be Source
Answering an earlier prayer
The one where I asked for help
In humble despair

Seeking a Source outside of me
Seeking a love from someone other than me
That all fades
It blows away like dust
With nothing left
But my silhouette in the mirror
Seeing me
Accepting me
Loving me

Uncategorized

My Love

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2/13/18

My Love,

No one compares to you.  Nothing compares to you.  You are the ocean. You’re the stars.  You’re the rhythm that beats my heart.  Your waves wash over me and I’m swimming in your love.  You take me to heaven, kissing me with starlight.  You lay me down with sunset and hold me tight through the night.