So, as I venture back out with my pen name, Browncurlycute, I do so knowing that things could completely blow up in my face, or things may turn out better than I ever could have ever dreamed. I’ve committed myself to honesty and openness with myself, my therapists, my trusted advisers and my husband. I’m learning that taking risks is part of living a real and authentic life. That is the life that I want to live.
After much prayer, journaling, and advice. I’ve decided that I will go public again with my blog and Instagram. I sought advice from my psychologist, my psychiatrist, my husband, and two trusted advisers who know me at the deepest levels. The advice I received range from very supportive to apprehensive. Surprisingly, my husband was one of the strongest supporters of me going public. I was encouraged by him and one of my advisers that I should not let fear of any kind hold me back from speaking my truth and following my passion. I was also encouraged by one of my advisers and my psychologist to examine my motives. I was asked a lot of questions that were difficult and embarrassing to admit to myself. I found out that there’s a part of me that wants to have my cake and eat it too, I’m calling this entitlement for now. I was reminded to think about the possible consequences of my actions and to decide if the consequences were worth it. I was also given advice from a medical perspective from my psychiatrist to create boundaries and limitations that will support my health needs. This has definitely been an exercise in self acceptance and self-care.
I still waver in and out on a daily basis about whether or not I’m going to move forward. I think the most powerful advice given to me was the understanding that I must make the final decision and I fully hold the responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. Both of those concepts are relatively new ideas for me. I’ve lived most of my life being told and believing that I was not capable of making good decisions for myself. Of course, the flip side of that is that I feel justified in blaming other people or God when things don’t work out the way I want them to.