Last night my husband took responsibility and apologized for the first time in two years for deep hurts that he’s caused in our marriage. He did this with tears, honesty and love. This came after many weeks, months, years of me pushing him away in every way I could. This included giving my heart to another man, looking to men outside of my marriage for validation, telling my husband that I’m not attracted to him and that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I pushed him away physically and emotionally… But he knows me, and he sees me. He refused to let me go, and maybe that’s exactly what I need.
Earlier that night, we fought, like we have been for the past few weeks over him trying to connect with me and me pushing him away. But, this time was different. I stood looking at him across our kitchen counter and for one of the few times in our marriage, I had nothing to say. All I could do was stand there looking at him and nodding my head as his word washed over me, as he confronted me on my isolation and my attempts to push away his love. I knew in my heart that he was right. I was afraid of real intimacy with him because I had been hurt by him and I didn’t want to be hurt again.
We have a long way to go on our road to healing and health in our marriage, but we are taking the steps and I now have hope that we may be able to get there.