It’s funny how the guy at my pharmacy suddenly became super nice, ever since I got my new prescription filled…. the one that costs eight cents. He’s always been polite, but a bit checked out, the many times I’ve come to fill other prescriptions for my kids or myself. But, ever since this new prescription came through, he makes eye contact, smiles and is very friendly. I don’t know if it’s because he feels sorry for me, he’s scared of me, or he can relate. Whatever the case, I must admit I do appreciate his new level of warmth, because the whole experience is humiliating from beginning to end.
First, requesting my prescription and knowing that he knows what it is and why I need it. Then, pulling out my debit card to pay for it and remembering that it only costs eight cents. I guess they want to make sure that someone who needs this medicine would never not get it because of money. I should be grateful, right? And I am. I’m grateful to be known, even if it’s just by the pharmacy guy, and to still be liked, or at least treated like I matter. I’m grateful that I only have to pay eight cents, and I’m grateful that the medication is helping. I’m sleeping better, I’m waking up feeling rested, I feel more able to handle the daily tasks of life, and my paranoid and obsessive thinking is fading away and losing its hold. I am choosing to stay in reality, and I am seeing the good things in my reality every day.
My thoughts keep drifting back to this pharmacist, and why his kindness impacts me so much. I guess it has to do with my deep desire to live an authentic life. To be truly known, loved and accepted. I’m realizing that I don’t live authentically in my marriage. I’m afraid to tell my husband the full truth of my feelings because I’m afraid of the consequences. I’m afraid of losing the good things that I have, and that we have built together.